The Boules Bugle
Winner of the Scurrilous Rag of the Year award for three years running
Strike Over - It's Official - Dateline 9 - 9 - 24
Following arbitration between the Collective of Boules Reporters & Correspondents and LPC Management the industrial action which has run since July has ended. Collective members will now be paid and they in turn will not be removing club quills and ink for the purpose of side hustle tattooing purposes.
News Catch Up - Dateline 9 - 9 - 24
The final of the Scorcher Torture competition takes place at 1.30 pm on Tuesday 10th July between "Running Amok" Alec and "I Didn't Enter" Graham. Whoever wins, considering the recent weather, will result in a new Raining Champion.
The Lobsters meantime have managed to maintain their 100% loss record. With one match to go (a home game on the 19th September, starting at 7.00 pm against the Parley Players) team captain Chris Wainwright rued the lack of support. "Where was the Lobster Army (surely Navy? Ed.) to cheer us on?", he was misquoted as saying.
The New Forest Petanque League approached the club with a view to holding their finals on our refurbished terrain. The club cautiously agreed (it would have given us something to boast about!) but pointed out that with a 7.30 pm start in September it was doubtful that our lights would last out for the whole evening. As a result the league withdrew their request. So Boast to Toast at the speed of light.
The ground improvements were completed on time and the terrain was officially re-opened on the 22nd of August by Mayor Jack Davies with Town Clerk Sue and Deputy Town Clerk Lesley in close support. The Mayor's lobbing of a boule was such that it would have put him in contention for a place in the Lobster squad were he but available on a free transfer.
Official Sea Lions Match Report - Dateline 28 - 7 - 24
Editor's Comment: This is the detailed match report of the Lobsters v Sea Lions clash submitted by the Bugles sports correspondent Les Mondry-Flesch. No animals were chased this week.
The Lobsters were ‘Bombed Out’ last Thursday, suffering a 5-0 demolition by New Milton Seahorses.
In the triples, Allan and The Two Hilarys were thrashed 13-1 by Barbara, Colin and Martin. Seahorses took and early lead and never looked like relinquishing it.
Pat, Harry and Alec put up a better show in the other, only going down 8-13. Seahorses were always just edging ahead, though Lobsters did make them fight hard for it.
The doubles were a disaster zone. Glynis and Alec were thumped 13-3 by Martin and Sue. Early ends were tight, but Seahorses went ahead, though they were made to fight for every end.
Hilary Thomson and Allan were hammered 13-2 by Barbara and Colin. Again, early ends were tight, but Seahorses simply cantered off into the distance.
Hilary Tanser and Harry’s were humiliated 13-0. Seahorses gained a huge early lead and pressed it home ruthlessly.
Though it sounds odd to say it, the match was closer than the scores suggest. Seahorses won many ends right at the death by some judicious ‘shooting’. Lobsters had begun to look as though they were learning these lessons. Last Thursday, it looked as though we’d unlearned them.
L M-F Bugle Sports Correspondent
Lobsters Flounder, Lions Roar and Wainwright Rages - Dateline 26 - 7 - 24
Ahead of the full match report from our sports correspondent L M-F, the Bugle can report that the Lobsters maintained their one hundred percent loss record by going down against the Sea Lions on Thursday night.
During the course of the evening, our resident sketch artist managed to catch a likeness of Chris Wainwright as he raged at his team from the edges of the terrain but sadly to no avail.
Sports Desk
LPC to the Rescue - Dateline 25 - 7 - 24
As the Harlot Globe Trotters (Ed. Surely Harlem?) are yet again not appearing at the world famous Picnic in the Park at Woodside Gardens on the 4th August, the Lymington Boules Club have stepped in to arrange a demonstration of the game to visitors. On hearing the news an excited local was heard to say, "I can't believe that I am actually going to see a real Lobster, I'm going to bring my autograph book." However, his neighbor said, "I was rather hoping to see a Harlot." Which just goes to show that you can't please everyone.
Squad Named for Aquarium Bragging Rights - Dateline 25 - 7 - 24
Chris Wainwright has named his squad for tonight's splash (Ed. Surely clash?) with the Sea Lions.
The squad will consist of - H Ellens, G Ellens, R Humphreys, A Martel, P Quirke, A Fawcuss, H Tanser and H Thompson but Wainwright is keeping the team combinations close to his chest.
When pressed for details he replied, "All I am prepared to say at the moment is that I will make the decision when I have seen the terrain. I will add however, that the squad are under strict instructions to stay away from alchohol, recreational drugs and adhesives of any sort."
Lobsters v Monarchs - Dateline 24 - 7 - 24
Editor's Comment: This is a very late match report from our official sports correspondent Les Mondry-Flesch. According to Les the report was written up after the match in the British Legion but as he left the premises a dog (a huge dog at that) ripped the copy from his hand and ran off toward Brockenhurst. It took our panting correspondent a number of days to catch the dog and retrieve the copy. Here it is.
L M-F Bugle Sports Correspondent & Dog Catcher Extraordinaire reports that -
Lobsters went down to another 1-4 defeat to Muscliff Monarchs on Thursday July 18th. Both triples were lost. Bev, Chris and Margaret A-B lost 6-13 to Jennie, Marilyn and Simon in a game that was close early on, but got away from them.
Alan and the Two Hilarys (the well known vaudeville act?) led 6-0 early on, but some play that could charitably be described as naïve meant that Graham, Ian and Steve overhauled them to win 13-7.
In the doubles, the best that could be said about Bev and Hilary Tanser’s game against Carron and Ian, is that it was over quickly. 13-1.
Margaret and John Alexander-Brown gave Marilyn and Simon a good game early on but, again, the Monarchs had a bit too much in the ‘bombing’ department.
Heroes on the night were Alan and Hilary Thomas, who nicked a wonderfully close game 13-11 against Graham and Steve. Nip and tuck all the way and a great game to watch.
We’re still learning, but getting better and being a little more hard-nosed would turn some of these 13-6/7s into close wins.
L M-F Bugle Sports Correspondent & Dog Catcher
LPC Ground Upgrade Off the Ground - Dateline 22 - 7 - 24
The long awaited upgrade to the LPC terrain and ground is due to commence on the 29th July and is scheduled to take a week to complete. While work is in progress no play is possible. This has resulted in some changes to the club calendar.
A committee member said that because of budgetary constraints, the hoped for seated and covered stand for 500 supporters at the church end will not be included in this round of works. When pressed as to when this will take place, the committee member stated that if the club was able to sell the naming rights to some major multinational then the matter will be duly reconsidered though implied that breath should not be held.
Lobsters Thermidored in Royal Rumble - Dateline 22 - 7 - 24
The Lobsters losing run goes on and on as they went down 4 games to 1, with a point score of 33 to 63 when they played their home game against the Monarchs on Thursday 18th July.
It was a double beheading in the Triples but Allan and Hilary managed to win their pairs match to thwart a total royalist victory.
Captain Wainwright when asked whether his no pre-match imbibing rule had been observed, allegedly replied, "Yes it was, as none of the team drank that day but unfortunately I never thought to mention glue sniffing - I blame myself."
Wainwright Names Squad for Monarchs Battle & Lays Down Law - Dateline 17 - 7 - 24
In an effort to bring the Lobster losing run to an end, captain Chris Wainwright has revamped the team for the home league game against the Monarchs. John Alexander - Brown, Margaret Alexander - Brown, Beverley Harris, Allan Fawcuss, Hilary Tanser, Hilary Thompson and himself will take the terrain to face the royalists. In no uncertain terms he told team members, "There is to be no imbibing of small pre-luncheon glasses of sherry on match day, if you do then you are out of the squad and the club."
Yabba Dabba What A Do : Dateline 17 - 7 - 24
The glitterati of the Lymington petanque world turned out for the annual LPC summer party which this year had a Swedish theme. Despite the organiser's failing to get Ikea to sponsor the event, the evening was judged to be a great success with a table groaning with edible goodies and drink a-plenty to wash it all down, while a 5 watt wall of sound blasted out a never ending string of ABBA hits. As per usual there was some moaning from the usual suspects. "I was looking forward to seeing cocktail sticks with bits of cheese, pineapple and sausage stuck into a large Swede as a table centrepiece." said one, while another moaned, "I couldn't be bothered to enter the competitions as the prizes were just bits of food and not the Volvo XC60 Ultra Black Edition which we were all expecting."
Our staff photographer managed to take some photographs before falling over somewhat worse for wear. They can be seen by clicking on the colour supplement button.
Jets Bomb Lobsters in Triples but Nipped in Doubles : Dateline 12 - 7 - 24
The Lobsters losing run continued last night as they went down 56 - 36 against the Jets in the New Forest Plate. The Jets won the triples matches 2 - 0 but the Lobsters faired better in the pairs coming out 2 -1 winners. After the match Lobsters captain Chris Wainwright allegedly raged, "In future, I am going to insist that team members do not drink on the day of a match, not even a small glass of pre-luncheon sherry will be allowed!"
Wainwright Names Squad For Jets Clash : Dateline 9 - 7 - 24
Despite being hampered by unavailabilty of squad members caused by a variety of reasons, e.g. illness, injury, previous arrangements, assisting police with their enquiries, Lobster team captain Chris Wainwright has named the team for the Thursday night, New Forest Plate away game clash against the Jets as :
Margaret Alexander-Brown, John Alexander-Brown, Graham Perkins, Sue Mundy, Pat Quirke and himself.
Summer Party 2024 : Dateline 4 - 7 - 24
This year's Swedish themed Summer Party is being held on Tuesday 16th July at 5.00 pm on the terrain. Price is £8.00 to include drinks and a Swedish style buffet (the mind boggles!) This paltry sum however, does not include cutlery or a chair so bring your own. Please pay by the 9th of July in cash to a committee member (but not Alec because he is a bit of a scoundrel and would probably fritter it away on fast women if he could only catch one) or by BACS to : Lymington Petanque Club sort code 53-81-22 account 83630058 ref party & your name. Music, games and general good fun to be had by one and all.
Scorcher Torture Comp Ladder : Dateline 3 - 7 - 24
The competition ladder has been updated with all the scores to date and to reflect the quarter finalist matches that have to be played during August.