The Boules Bugle 2026
WHEN THERE IS NO NEWS THERE IS ALWAYS FALSE NEWS !
Outraging polite society since time immemorial because we can.
REST ASSURED THAT THIS SITE DOES NOT USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE JUST GENUINE STUPIDITY
Lobsters in NFPL Cup & League Chaos as Savvy Sam Calls for Probe - Dateline 22 - 07 - 26
Local Lymington sports tipster, Savvy Sam, called for a probe into the NFPL 2026 fixture scheduling. An error in the cup draw means that the Lobsters now play their home match on the 2nd April against Parley Blues and not the Maniacs as previously stated. In the League, the late withdrawal of one of the clubs means that Division 2 (where Lobster languish) now only has five teams (Division 1 for this season only having 7). So the Lobsters now play their normal 8 matches home and away and then an additional 4 (two home and 2 away on a random basis). The draw has as yet not been made. An irate Savvy Sam said, "How am I supposed to sell reliable tips to the sporting punters when the fixtures seem to be set on shifting sand - I'm not happy."
Tipster Savvy Sam
Double Trouble Comp Semis Sorted - Dateline 22 - 02 - 26
The two semi finals of the Double Trouble competition were recently played. The Daring Brothers (Alec M and Graham P) proved to be too daring for the Necromancers (John W and Hilary T) and came out 13 - 7 winners. In the other semi, the Assassins (Harry E and Pat Q) lived up to their team name and killed off the hopes of the Pointers (Dave H and Martin E) despite their late rally, 13 - 11. So we can look forward to an Assassins v Daring Brothers final in March to clear the way for the start of this year's Scorcher Torture.
Tough Start for Lobsters - Dateline 13 - 02 - 26
In the first round of the NFPL Cup the Lobsters have been drawn to play the Seahorses away and in the second round they play the Maniacs at home. Both sides are from the first division. It will be interesting to see what game plan their beleagured manager comes up with.
Semis this Month - Dateline 13 - 02 - 26
The Double Trouble semi final between the Necromancers and the Daring Brothers has been set for 1.30pm on the 17th February. As yet the Assassins v Pointers match is unscheduled.
Sorceresses Spell Fails on Necromancers - Dateline 07 - 02 - 26
Any spells cast before or during the match failed to produce the desired effect for the Sorceresses (Ro Otten and Bev Harris) as the Necromancers (John White and Hilary Thompson) shrugged them off to come out the 13 - 5 winners. They now go on to meet the Daring Brothers in the Semi's.
Ron is the Killer in Chiller Thriller Final - Dateline 04 - 02 - 26
A dramatic domestic ding dong as Ron H met wife Sheilagh in the final of the Chiller Thriller before a crowd of baying Petanque fans. Both contestants came on to the terrain with their stadium music playing (click right hand corners of the vids to hear it).
The match commenced with Ron's supporters chanting "We've got Ron, He's a brute, He can point and he can shoot." with Sheilagh's fans countering "She can point, She can shoot, She is Sheilagh and she's cute."
Despite Sheilagh scoring first Ron pulled away to win 13 - 5.
As winner, Ron walked away with the Norman Naff Memorial Trophy, a bottle of French wine and the Baguette of Bragging. As runner up, Sheilagh received a bottle of French wine and the Croissants of Condolences.
Post match everyone trooped off to have a round of drinks on the champion. Our Bugle reporter asked Sheilagh what they were having for dinner that night, "Well I'm having a fine steak but he's having a cold bowl of gruel in the shed." Oooooerrr !
Latin Readers/Speakers Wanted - Dateline 01 - 02 - 26
With the proximity of the graveyard so near to the terrain, some club members were begining to suspect that it might be in some way linked to the constant pools of water forming in the storage cabinet. In an effort to get to the bottom of this, the Bugle called in Gideon Longshank of Ringwood, renowned exorcist come vampire hunter and part time jobbing mill hand.
According to Gideon, the storage cabinet is being haunted by the spirit of a French p.o.w. officer from the Napoleonic wars who died while working on the crinkle crankle walls in Church Lane.
He was buried in an unmarked grave near the terrain and is most perturbed that "Les Rosbifs" are not only playing his national game but playing it badly.
For the price of a bit of a session in the Six Bells, Gideon has supplied us with some incantations that will rid us of the rascal.
Sadly these appear to be in Latin, so we are looking for Latin reading/speaking members who could bang these out at midnight in preferably a Soprano voice but at a pinch a Mezzo-Soprano would probably do.
Gideon Longshank in action.
February Fixture Chaos Looms - Dateline 27 - 01 - 26
A potential for fixture chaos has arisen for next month. A health anomaly with one of the Sorceresses has resulted in their Double Trouble match against the Necromancers being moved to Tuesday 3rd February. This is the same day as the Chiller Thriller final ding-dong between the Humphreys. Both matches are "weather permitting". The Double Trouble semis are also scheduled for this month so any further cancellations may impact competition rules. However, when approached in the Monkey House, the competition organiser said, "With all these storms rolling in, I've got to take a somewhat pragmatic view on deadlines and adjust if needed. Mines a double - thanks."
Domestic Ding Dong Is On - Dateline 25 - 01 - 26
The much anticipated final of the Chiller Thriller has finally arrived. Ron Humphreys and wife Sheilagh have agreed to square up to each other on Tuesday 3rd February at 1.30 pm weather permiting. Editor's comment: A reasonable rider, after all it's the Chiller Thriller and not the Pain in the Rain or Thud in the Mud or Throw in the Snow.
Arrangements are being made to transport the much derided Norman Naff Memorial Trophy from its current location in an unsecure allotment shed to the terrain for presentation to the winner.
It has been noticed by members, that recently some local ambulance chasing lawyers, who also dabble in divorce cases, have taken to hanging around the terrain. A coincidence ? Who knows ?
Snipers Forget to Bring Ammo - Dateline 21 - 01 - 26
The Double Trouble clash between the Snipers (H Harrison & L Mondry-Flesch) and the Assassins (H Ellens & P Quirke) proved to be a nightmare for the former. Although arriving with their scoped up rifles, the Snipers seemingly had forgotten to bring any ammunition with them as they had no answer to the Assassins dagger like blows which saw them run out 13 - 1 winners. A dejected Mondry-Flesch said, "Today, we just could not find the target."
Last Double Trouble Match Arranged - Dateline 18 - 01 - 26
The last of the Double Trouble first round matches has been arranged for Tuesday 20th at 1.00pm between Harry E & Pat Q (billed as the Assassins) and Hazel H & L Mondry-Flesch (billed as the Snipers).
Pointers Drag Themselves Over Winning Line - Dateline 18 - 01 - 26
Quite a large crowd turned out to watch the Double Trouble match between Margaret A-B & Allan F (Shooters) and Martin E & Dave H (Pointers) possibly because they were expecting one of the latter pair to be in drag as a result of a printing error in the publicity poster, depicting one as a woman. Sadly this did not happen but what the crowd had instead was a thrilling match as the Shooters slowly clawed their way back into contention from a 10 - 1 deficit before eventually losing out 13 - 11.
Two More Double Trouble Matches Scheduled - Dateline 15 - 01- 26
Much to the organiser's surprise, two more Double Trouble matches have been scheduled by the contestants allowing the publicity machine to swing into action. Margaret A-B & Allan F (billed as the Shooters) play Martin E & Dave H (billed as the Pointers) at 1.00pm this Saturday.
Ro O & Bev T (billed as the Sorceresses) play John W & Hilary T (billed as the Necromancers) on the 27th January at 1.20pm.
Wainwright Launches 2026 Recruitment Campaign - Dateline 11 - 01 - 26
Not Clever Enough - Dateline 11 - 01 - 26
The first match in the new club pairs competition, Double Trouble, was played this Saturday between Liz Thompson & Chris Wainwright (nom de Boules "The Clever Couple") against "The Daring Brothers", Alec Martel & Graham Perkins. Unfortunately the former were not clever enough as the daring ones came out as the 13 - 3 winners.
Martel Perkins v Thompson Wainwright Clash Set - Dateline 09 - 01 - 26
We understand that the contractual arrangements for the first Double Trouble clash have been resolved and all participants are looking forward to the inaugural competition match this coming Saturday.
Double Trouble Teams Named - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
The teams for the ingaugural Double Trouble competion have been named. The draw was made in the Six Bells by club member Sue Mundy who is not competing. Sue thrust her well manicured hand into the Sock of Selection and the result was:
Ro Otten & Bev Harris will play John White & Hilary Thompson.
Liz Thompson & Chris Wainwright will play Alec Martel & Graham Perkins.
Margaret Alexander-Brown & Allan Fawcuss will play Martin Edge & Dave Harrison.
Harry Ellens & Pat Quirke will play Hazel Harrison & Les Mondry-Flesch.
Full rules can be found on the competitions page.
When we asked local Lymington sporting tipster Savvy Sam, who he fancied for the win, he said it was too early to make a call.
Savvy Sam
It's Going to be a Domestic Ding Dong - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
A badly out of practice Bev Harris elected to play Ron Humphreys in the Chiller Thriller semi final, just minutes after his wife reached the final by beating Allan Fawcus. Club members were intrigued to see whether the final was going to be an all girl cat fight or a domestic ding dong. As Bev went down 13 - 7 the promotion machine swung into action.
Fawcus Not Raucous - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
There was no raucous celebration from Allan Fawcus as his hopes for a place in the Chiller Thriller final was brought to an abrupt end by a steady pointing Sheilagh Humphreys who marched on to a 13 - 5 win.
Bugle Panic - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
Readers have been calling and texting in a blind panic because they can't find last year's copy of the Bugle. Panic not it can be found in the archive page under the 2025 button.
Humphreys Give Birth - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
Editor's Comment - apologies for the late copy but the Bugle staff have been accidently locked into a local pub's cellar room - nightmare.
The Humphreys may well have given birth to an unexpected LPC tradition by suggesting that club members attend the terrain on New Year's day afternoon to play, fraternise, drink each others health and nibble (not necks or ears but mince pies and such.)
This proved a great success, as members augmented Ron and Sheilagh's generous food and drink contribution with additional fare.
The Bugle took the opportunity to award beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright with the CDM to compensate for him being yet again snubbed in the New Year Honour List - no change there then.
Toward the end of the afternoon, the general consensus of opinion by club members was that this should be repeated in 2027.
And thus a tradition is born.
Drinks and nibbles
CDM award holder
As can be seen, some members covered necks and ears in case the nibbling rule was misunderstood.
A Happy New Year 2026 to all our loyal readers - Dateline 01 - 01 - 26
Another year, another issue of the Boules Bugle bringing you all the news and gossip from the Lymington Petanque Club terrain, home of the Lobsters. Sadly our four year run of winning the Scurrilous Rag of the Year award has come to an end (won by Bribourne Swim Club Sentinel and their Changing Room Capers Column).
To start the year on a positive note we have invited back Woodini the legendary Mystic and Seer to make a few predictions for 2026.
WOODINI PREDICTS THAT :
Greetings my Petanque Playing Pals! I was spot on with my predictions for last year; 2, 14, 27, 28, 29, 49 did not win the national lottery jackpot and Southampton FC did not win the Premier League title. Let's see how I do this year. I gaze into my crystal ball, the veil lifts and I predict :-
1. The following number sequence 7, 18, 29, 32, 33, 43 will not win the national lottery jackpot in 2026.
2. This year, the Lobsters will not win their division.
3. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor will not become a member of the Lymington British Legion.