The Boules Bugle 2026
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Trump Stays Silent on Lobster Results - Dateline 15 - 08 - 26
The away match at Parley One resulted in yet another defeat for the Lobsters leaving them firmly anchored at the bottom of NFPL Division 2. Beleagured team manager Chris Wainwright allegedly confided to a spectator that he had been hoping that President Trump might have had a quiet word with the NFPL hierarchy to favourably review the Lobster match results but sadly this has not happened.
For the record, the one bright spot was the 13 - 11 win in the triples by Liz, Bev and Martin. However the rest was all gloom with Pat, Sue and Chris losing their triples match 1 - 13 (ouch Ed.)
Sadly all the pairs games were lost; Liz & Bev 8 - 13, Sue & Chris 5 - 13 and Pat & Martin 11 - 13.
Lets hope the final game of the season brings a better result.
Committee Reveal All - Dateline 15 - 07 - 26
The club committee have adopted a new procedure of making the agenda for their meetings available to members for viewing. This was the agenda for the August meeting. In future the agenda will be made available prior to the meeting
Wainwright Names Posse for Parley Match - Dateline 12 - 08 - 26
Beleagured club manager Chris Wainwright, named his squad for tonight's away match against Parley One and their squadrons of vicious midges. The players will be M Edge, L Thompson, B Harris, P Quirke, S Mundy and C Wainwright.
Red Sky at Night Heralds Lobster Plight - Dateline 07 - 08 - 26
After an epic win and reasonably close match in our last two outings, it was "After the Lord Mayor's Show" for the Lobsters against Muscliff Wizards.
In the triples, Pat, Sue and Alec were thumped 13-3. 10 down after 3 ends, there's not often any way back.
Martin, Dave and Graham kept things tight early on, but at 5-5, Wizards simply rode off into the distance and and it ended 6-13.In the doubles, Dave and Graham, again, kept things tight early on,
but, again, Wizards pulled away and it ended 5-13. Margaret and Alec hung in and made Wizards sweat before losing 7-13.
Bright spot of the evening was Pat and Martin who ran away with a 13-6 victory.
It has to be said that Lobsters played very well, but were undone, again, by two excellent 'shooters'. They were the difference between the two sides. The result does not, really, reflect the balance of play.
Les M-F (Bugle Sports Correspondent of the Year)
Photo courtesy of Sheilagh Humphreys (Paparazzi of the Year)
Squad Named for Last NFL Home Game - Dateline 04 - 08 - 26
Lobster team manager Chris Wainwright has named his squad for the last home game of the season and said he was hoping for an all time record crowd of supporters (so that would be five then - Ed.)
The squad that will play the Wizards is: M Alexander-Brown, M Edge, D Harrison, A Martel, S Mundy, G Perkins and P Quirke.
Scorcher Torture Final Lives up to Name - Dateline 29 - 07 - 26
This year's Scorcher Torture final was played on a scorcher of a day between Pat Quirke and Bev Harris. As a first, the competition organiser deemed that the match should be played using the entirety of the terrain instead of a lane and both competitors gave careful consideration as to where to launch the jack when getting control of it, in order to get, if possible, a slight advantage. The match started before a record crowd of 21 and remained very tight with single point ends being scored by both finalists. However, someone had to win and this year it was Bev Harris.
As winner, she received the Hampshire Castration Association trophy, the Baguette of Bragging and a bottle of French wine.
As runner up Pat Quirke received the Croissant of Commiseration and a bottle of French wine too.
The final score was 13 - 10.
Bugle opinion point
Perhaps the club should invest in some trophies that the winner would be proud to display instead of hiding away for a year?
Lobsters Blow Double Over Monarchs - Doomlord 24 - 07 - 26
The Lobsters came out 3 - 2 losers in the end but really should have come out 3 - 2 winners had one of the pairs not throw away a respectable lead. In the triples, the Perkins, Harrison and Edge trio came out 13 - 5 winners, however the Wainwright, Martel and Quirke combination were 11 nil down but managed to claw there way to 8 points before the Monarchs got their required two points for the win.
In the pairs,Perkins and Harrison brought another win for the Lobsters coming out 13 - 11 winners in a tight game. Quirke and Edge lost 13 - 7, whatever they did the Monarchs always seemed to trump them. In the final pairing Wainwright and Martel threw away a five point lead in a game that they really should have won coming out on the wrong end of a 13 - 7 result. Wainwright put it down to them dropping four points at one end and then a further 4 from a Monarch fluke shot. Martel however, chose to blame Wainwright on the basis that he kept fraternising with the opposition and applauding their successes. Had Martel not been relying on a lift back home from Wainwright then the matter may have escalated further.
On a positive note, Perkins and Harrison are in danger of winning the Lobsters of the Year title that the Bugle is thinking of instigating (subject to this raising our online visibility and being tax deductible Ed.)
Wainwright Names his Cavaliers for Monarch Clash - Dateline 22 - 07 - 26
With holidays and injuries, Lobster manager Chris Wainwright has been unable to reform the winning Lobster combination. So for the return away match against the Monarchs this Thursday, the team is: M Edge, D Harrison, A Martel, G Perkins, P Quirke and C Wainwright.
Summer Party - Dateline 22 - 07 - 26
The LPC Committee have announced that this year's Summer Party will be held on the 18th August at 5.00pm at the usual location. Ticket price is £10 and the theme is "An English Picnic Party" (so expect rain and or wasps Ed)
L M-F Reports - Dateline 19 - 07 - 26
On a balmy night at Emsworth Road (Are you just reposting your last report?! Ed. No. Stick with me!)
Lobster secured a brilliant win over a Monarchs side that had won 5 lost 2. They've now lost 3.
For the first time that your correspondent can recall, Lobsters won both triples. And in both, Monarchs were well ahead, only for Liz, Pat and Sue, and Dave, Graham and Martin to dig in and grind out 13-12 wins.
Stirring stuff, for which they deserve huge credit.
Again, in all 3 doubles games, Monarchs were ahead early on, but Pat and Martin hunted down their prey and won 13-9. Similarly Dave and Graham hunted the Monarchs down and won 13-8.
Unfortunately, Liz and Sue struggled to keep up and lost 6-13.
So a belting 4-1 win which is, in the humble opinion of your correspondent, the best in Lobsters' history.
A medal should be struck. (Afraid not. They will have to make do with the Commemorative Poster below Ed.)
Special Commemorative Print and Keep Edition - Dateline - 17 - 07 - 26
To celebrate the Lobster's first win of a rapidly ending season, we publish a special commemorative poster that your grandchildren's children will cherish. Meanwhile, we are waiting for our sports correspondent's (L M-F) report on this Historic match against the Monarchs.
Wainwright Names Squad for Monarch Clash - Dateline 14 - 07 - 26
After quadruple checking the venue for the Lobster's match against the Monarchs (it's the penultimate home game of the season) beleagured team manager Chris Wainwright named his squad. It is, M Edge, D Harrison, S Mundy, Graham Perkins, P Quirke, L Thompson and C Wainwright. This will be Quirke's first game of the rapidly ending season as she struggled to recover from injury. The fans are hoping that her return will change the team's fortunes and will result in a much needed win.
Message from the Editor - Dateline 13 - 07 - 26
Apologies for the delay in updating the Bugle but the entire editorial staff have been busy, following strict medical advice to keep the body hydrated in this hot snap. We would like to thank the staff of the Dog and Duck for their assistance in this matter for the last week or so.
The Boules Whisperer Says - Dateline 13 - 07 - 26
Have a cloth in your pocket or tucked into your waistband to wipe your boules and remove any grit. This’ll mean your boules will travel true in flight and on the ground. It is also handy as a kneeling pad when measuring distances from the coche.
L M-F Reports on that Home Sea Lions Clash - Dateline 13 - 07 - 26
This might seem like deja-vu, but on a balmy evening blah blah blah...
In the triples, Bev, Dave and Graham fell behind early on, but fought back, only to be hit by a 5-point end losing 6 -13. Sue, Sheilagh and Ron had an early lead, but the Sea Lions caught up and went on to win 13 - 5.
In the Pairs, Dave and Graham lost 8 -13.
Chris and Harry kept things tight, but lost a close game 9 -13.
Sheilagh and Ron rescued a dismal evening by sneaking ahead and staying there to win 13 - 8.
That hopefully will be the last time that we see the Sea Lions this year.
Sec Saves the Day - Dateline 13 - 07 - 26
New club secretary Liz Thompson saved the day by looking at the NFPL website and noticing that the game against the Sea Lions was actually not an away match but a home game. Beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright had to hastily cancel the team coach and advise one and all that the match was at home. Is the pressure of relentless defeats starting to get to him? The fans have a right to know!
Lobsters to Face Sea Lions Yet Again - Doomlord 09 - 07 - 26
Lobster manager Chris Wainwright has named his team to face the Sea Lions yet again (ain't you sick of the sight of em?) A squad of eight make the away journey tonight consisting of H Ellens, B Harris, D Harrison, R Humphreys, S Humphreys, S Mundy, G Perkins and C Wainwright. The Bugle has taken the editorial decision this week of not printing any tips from the Boules Whisperer for fear of further confusing the squad.
The Boules Whisperer Says - Dateline 04 - 07 - 26
It is vital that the body is well balanced as the swinginging action of the throwing arm will throw the body to one side and accuracy will be lost. Use the other arm as a counter weight by sticking it out.
Check to see if your boules tend go to the left or right of your intended throwing line by practicing over one of the strings. In the ideal world your boules should land on the string. If they are going to the right or left of the string, adjust your body position ensuring your shoulder and feet face the direction of throw and that your arm isn't swinging across your body.
It's an All Girl Scorcher - Dateline 04 - 07 - 26
Both Bev Harris and Patsy Quirke put on Amazonian like performances to crush their quivering male opponents in the semi finals of the Scorcher Torture. They go on to meet each other in the final that is to be played by the end of August. The organiser urges them to not keep changing the match date on the basis that "It's too hot and our mascara might run." as the name of the competition should give a clue as to its intent.
AGM Held - Dateline 04 - 07 - 26
This year's AGM was held on the 30th June in the British Legion. We are pleased to announce that during the couse of the meeting, three members were nominated to join the committee; Ron Humphreys as Chair, Liz Thompson as Secretary and Sheilagh Humphreys as a committee member. The full list of committee members can be found under the Committee tab on this website.
Lobsters v Sea Lions Result - Dateline 04 - 07 - 26
These results are so predictable you could almost get AI to write the depressing articles.
First competitive game since Lobsters had a coaching session. Home game blah blah. Triples wipe out again, blah blah, Mundy, Martel & Perkins lost 10 - 13 blah blah while Thompson, Harrison & Ellens lost 2 - 13 blah blah well gutted. Pairs Harrison & Perkins 13 - 2 won blah blah over the moon, Martel & Thompson 10 - 13 lost blah blah well choked Harris & Ellens 4 - 13 lost.
The question has to be asked, was all that pre-match coaching a waste of time? Is it a case of 'you cant't teach an old dog new tricks'? The Lobster supporters have a right to know!
Top Coach Joins Bugle - Dateline 22 - 06 - 26
Following last Saturday's successful coaching session for some of the club members, where they learnt that they were doing just about everything wrong, the Bugle feels that the knowledge should be spread across the club. To this end we have hired another top coach who will, each week, impart words of petanque wisdom.
Because of some recent unfortunate misunderstandings in a local off-licence and a nearby post office he wishes to remain anonymous. So henceforth he will be known as The Boules Whisperer.
The Boules Whisperer Says -
1. When standing in the ring only hold the boule you are about to throw. Leave the others behind the ring. This means that if you fail, stepping out of the ring to pick another up, allows you to think about what you are going to try next and to re-aim your target. Also a sports psychologist would say that by holding another boule ready, you are subconsciously expecting to fail.
2. Don't aim/look at the jack, aim at the ground where you want the boule to land.
Busy Week for Lobsters - Dateline 22 - 06 - 26
A busy week for the Lobsters as they are due to play a home game against the Sea Lions (not them again surely!) on Tuesday and an away game against the Muscliff Monarchs on Thursday. With some of the Lobsters having received coaching last weekend and finding out that they had been doing everything wrong for the last few years it will be interesting to see if things get better or worse as they try to come to grips with what they had been taught. Having said all that, Mr Beleagured picked the following squads:
For the home match, H Ellens, B Harris, D Harrison, A Martel, S Mundy, G Perkins and L Thompson.
For the away match, H Ellens, B Harris, A Martel, S Mundy, C Wainwight and R Cornwall.
Lobsters Flop Again - Dateline 22 - 06 - 26
Editor's comment: Our sports correspondent Les Mondry-Flesch sent in his report of last week's away Plate match against the Sea Lions in good time but the office boy misfiled it in the "don't pay these bills yet folder". Apologies all round.
On a balmy evening in New Milton, the Lobsters went down 1-4 to the Sealions.
Graham, Liz and Ron were involved in a tight triples game - nip and tuck all the way - and a little unfortunate to miss out 11-13.
Harry, Sheilagh and Alec, however, were never really in the hunt in their game, scoring singles while Sealions scored 3s and 4s, losing out 5-13.
In the doubles, Bev and Alec never really got into their game, though they made the Sealions work for their 13-5 win.
Liz and Ron were, again, involved in a 'nip and tuck' game but just lost out 9-13.
Highlight of the evening was Dave and Graham's 13-10 victory.
It should have been a whitewash, but at 8-0 up, they relaxed and it nearly proved their undoing.
Yet again, the main difference between the sides was shooting.
Wainwright Names Squad and Flees - Dateline 15 - 06 - 26
Beleagured Lobster player/manager Chris Wainwright, named his squad for the forthcoming away game against the Sea Lions, announced that Bev Harris was to be captain for the night and then promptly fled before the world's sports press could question him about his selections and proposed tactics. The squad is G Perkins, D Harrison, B Harris, H Ellens, R Humphreys, S Humphreys, A Martel and Liz Thompson.
LPC Host NFPL Singles Comp - Dateline 15 - 06 - 26
On Thursday 11th June, LPC hosted the NFPL Singles Competition for a second time. There were fourteen entries from various clubs and this year LPC had 4 entries. Although expectation for a resounding success was not on the table our members probably performed better than expected with Martin Edge being our star achieving a win, a draw and a loss. Alec Martel and Harry Ellens came out with a win each and 2 losses, while Liz Thompson sadly lost all her 3 games but it was a valuable experience for her being relatively new to the sport. Final results were:-
Lobsters Avoid Defeat - Dateline 05 - 06 - 26
The Lobsters managed to avoid defeat in last night's scheduled NFPL Plate clash against the Sea Lions thanks to beleagured Lobster player/manager Wainwright's botched attempt to perform, in the early afternoon, an Apache warrior pre battle victory dance. Unfortunately, due to lack of practice, it turned out more like a Comanche rain dance and the resulting deluge caused the fixture to be cancelled until a later date.
Wainwright Names Eight - Dateline 04 - 06 - 26
For tonight's clash with the Sea Lions in the plate, Wainwright has named a squad of eight. Ellens, Harrison, Humphreys R, Humphreys S, Martel, Perkins, Thompson and Wainwright. With the weather scheduled to be awful it has been rumoured that flippers and snorkels will be supplied to any supporters that turn up.
Parley One Lobsters Didn't - Dateline 04 - 06 - 26
Apologies for the late copy on this Lobster away match at Parley One's ground last month. The result was so bad that we thought that the office boy had been oggling girl's legs again and had got it wrong but sadly after checking three times he had'nt.
So the bad news is that in the triples, Thompson, Humphries S and Perkins went down 13 - 1 (ouch!) Ellens, Humphries R and Harrison went down 13 - 4
Pairs was no better, Harrison & Wainwright lost 13 - 2, Ellens and Perkins lost 13 - 4, while Thompson & Humphries S came close but still lost 13 - 11.
Office Boy Admonished - Dateline 28 - 05 - 26
The Bugle offers its sincere apologies to Graham Perkins for our story under the title "Bell Does Well Perkins Doesn't". In fact the result had gone Graham's way and not to John. The competitions page has been updated to reflect the correct result. The error arose because the editor had foolishly accepted the copy from our office boy, Arthur who had begged to be given the chance to cover a story. Unfortunately, Arthur spent the latter part of the match oggling the legs of passing girls instead of concentrating on the game. As the Competition Secretary said, "If you employ a sixteen year old, paying him £2 and a bag of toffees a week, plus the added perk of being allowed to occasionally thumb through the editor's back copies of Health and Fitness then you aren't getting Pulitzer quality staff !"
Rest assured, Arthur has been given a written warning.
Wainwright Names Squad - Dateline 27 - 05 - 26
Chris Wainwright has named his squad for the Parley One away match on the 28th. It is H Ellens, D Harrison, R Humphreys, S Humphreys, S Mundy, L Thompson, G Perkins and C Wainwright. A team of eight allowing for some tactical moves for the pairs. We wish them luck as Wainwright continues his never ending quest for a win.
Bell Does Well Perkins Doesn't - Dateline 27 - 05 - 26
Like Harry Ellens, Graham Perkins fell behind John Bell's accurate pointing but gradually pulled him back in their Scorcher Torture match. With the score 11 to 11 it was John who reached the finish line first winning 13 - 11. He goes on to the semis where he will play the winner of the Harris -Budgett clash.
Quirke Sails into Semis while Ellens Sinks - Dateline 27 - 05 - 26
On a truly scorching afternoon, the Scorcher Torture match between Patsy and Harry, saw Patsy pull away from her Double Trouble partner, before Harry managed to make a bit of a rally but alas too late, as Patsy came out the 13 - 6 winner. She now goes on to play Martin Edge in the semi finals.
Savvy Sam has a Rant - Dateline 22 - 05 - 26
Late last night we found local sporting tipster, Savvy Sam watching the council dig up the high street. "You got a bet on it Sam?" we quiped. "No." he retorted, before launching into a foul mouthed tirade about the Lobster match against the Sea Lions. "Our lot can't point, can't shoot, read the terrain or have any tactical sense. Another 64 to 32 home game drubbing. Frankly, it's beyond embarrasing. Five side league, five games played, five games lost, no other team with negative points just us with -131. That's where all the other clubs are getting the points. The only decent performance was from Bev Harris and Liz Thompson who, although trailing in a close fought match, managed the win following a sensational last gasp shot from Liz. Well done the girls." At this point Sam staggered off in the direction of the Kings Head but not without turning his head to shout back up at us, "And that Martel was about as useful as a sponge leg in a 100m sprint!"
Wainwright Names Squad of Eight for Sea Lions Clash - Dateline 20 - 05 - 26
Lobster player/manager Chris Wainwright has named eight players for this Thursday's home game. They are: R Humphreys, S Humphreys, L Thompson, B Harris, A Martel, G Perkins, H Ellens and D Harrison.
Local sporting tipster Savvy Sam said, "They really need to start winning otherwise Wainwright will be back to being beleagured yet again. The fans are starting to get restless too, especially the Rec End Kru."
Ellens Sails on as Alexander-Brown Flounders - Dateline 18 - 05 - 26
The last outstanding first round Scorcher Torture match between Harry Ellens and Margaret Alexander-Brown has been played. A confident Ellens ran out a 13 - 7 winner. In the next round he is up against his former doubles partner Pat Quirke
Wizards' Spells Weaken but Still Hold - Dateline 14 - 05 - 26
The Lobsters travelled to the Wizards lair determined to avoid the five nil thumping they received at home. The triples at last brought the Lobsters some joy, Harry, Graham and Alec managed a much needed Lobster win coming out 13 - 12 winners while Ron, Sheilagh and Chris were unlucky to lose 12 - 13. Although inspired by the results of the triples, the Lobsters yet again succumbed to the Wizards' spell casting (Editors comment: surely boules casting?) as all three pairs lost their matches. Graham and Harry lost out in a keenly contested match 11 - 13, Ron and Alec started well but faded away to lose 9 - 13 while Sheilagh and Chris were truly thumped 0 - 13. Local sporting tipster, Savvy Sam said, "Although another loss for the Lobsters they can take some solace (Editors comment: Are you sure that Sam, a functioning alcholic and general ne'er do well used such a fancy word?) that they managed to win one game and cut the score deficit from a previous 31 to 17."
Squad for Wizard Away Match Named - Dateline 13 - 05 - 26
Lobster player manager Chris Wainwright has announced the squad for the away match against the Wizards. He has reverted to a six player squad - R Humphreys, S Humphreys, G Perkins, A Martel, H Ellens, C Wainwright.
Local sporting tipster Savvy Sam commented, "After the five nil drubbing that the Wizards inflicted on the Lobster's at home, I'm hoping that they are fired up for revenge. Having just won two games out of fifteen in the league so far, they need to start getting some wins under their belt or Wainwright will be back to being beleagured again."
Scorcher Torture Round Up - Dateline 13 - 05 - 26
In the first round, Lobster player manager Chris Wainwright was recently defeated by Lobster player Graham Perkins 13 to 9. This leaves just the Alexander-Brown v Harry Ellens game (scheduled for next Tuesday) to complete the first round.
Meanwhile the first match of the second round between Les Mondry=Flesch and Martin Edge resulted in a win for the latter 13 - 10. Editor's comment: I am pleased to see that my instruction that this result was not to use the hackneyed 'Edge Edges It' headline has been followed.
Assassins Assassinated - Dateline 13 - 05 - 26
The much delayed final of the inaugural Double Trouble competition between the Assassins (Pat Quirke & Harry Ellens and the Daring Brothers (Graham Perkins & Alec Martel) resulted in a 13 - 7 victory to the latter.
Double Trouble Final Date Set - Dateline 10 - 05 -26
With both Assassins (P Quirke & H Ellens) recovered from their recent medical issues, their finals match against the Daring Brothers (G Perkins & A Martel) has been set for 1.30pm on Tuesday 12th May.
Four Eleven Down Quirke Goes to Work - Dateline 10 - 05 - 26
Back from her recent medical issues, Pat Quirke was at last able to play her first round Scorcher Torcher match against Hilary Tanser. Hilary ran up a steady lead but at 11 - 4 down, Patsy went to work and an unlucky Hilary saw her lead reeled in and then surpassed as Pat came out the 13 - 11 winner.
No News was Bad News - Dateline 10 - 05 - 26
The lack of news about the Lobsters recent away match against the Sealions (caused by the editorial staff self isolating for nine days in the Cat, Dog & Fiddle on the flimsy excuse that there was hentavirus about) proved to be bad news and not good. According to local sporting tipster, Sporting Sam, despite managing to win a triples match and thereby going into the pairs one all, the Lobsters lost all three pairs matches.
Pulling out a grubby Aldi receipt, Sam with some difficulty reading his own handwriting on the back of it, gave us the match breakdowns.
In the triples, G Perkins, S Mundy and R Humphreys lost 13 to 5 however, L Thompson, S Humphreys and H Thompson came out on top with a 13 to 10 victory.
Having taken a larger squad to this match, Wainwright was able to rest some players and bring some in for the pairs, sadly to no avail. A Fawcuss & C Wainwright lost 13 to 9, L Thompson & H Thompson lost 13 to 3 while S Mundy & G Perkins came close but lost 13 to 11.
Wainwright is staying positive, as he considers the Lobsters are much improved this season but the supporters are starting to get edgy especially the Rek End Kru.
Charity Donation - Dateline 28 - 04 - 26
Today, Tuesday 28th of April 2026, the club had arranged for a representative to visit on behalf of New Forest Hospital Radio (our 2025 nominated charity) to receive a cheque from the club for £100.
We welcomed Nigel Seth - Smith as their representative and club chair Les Mondry-Flesch and Lobster player/manager Chris Wainwright presented the cheque.
Nigel enquired if the club wanted a record played on NFHR, someone suggested Stairway to Heaven but this was deemed by the committee as somewhat inappropriate and We Are the Champions as an out and out lie.
Wainwright Names Squad for Sea Lions Clash - Dateline 28 - 04 - 26
Lobster player/manager Chris Wainwright has named his squad for the away match against the Sea Lions: G Perkins, S Mundy, L Thompson, A Fawcuss, H Thompson, R Humphreys, S Humphreys, H Ellens. However the latter has had to pull out on medical grounds. We asked local sporting tipster, Savvy Sam for his views on the selection and he said this "It looks like with four losses in a row he is trying something new by selecting a bigger squad however, whether this will make any difference remains to be seen."
The Force Not With Liz - Dateline 27 - 04 - 26
Has anyone noticed that Liz Thompson's new boules look like something that Darth Vader would have played with on the Death Star? No? Just me then!
Liz arrived to play our sports correspondent Les Mondry-Flesch in the first round of the Scorcher Torture, wielding her new shiny black boules. Sadly at the start of the match the force was not with her allowing Les to run up a 7 nil lead. Suddenly the force arrived on the terrain and Liz started to fight her way back into the game but sadly not quite managing it with Les coming out the eventual 13 - 10 winner.
Wizards Spell Disaster for Lobsters - Dateline 23 - 04 - 26
With our regular sports correspondent Les Mondry-Flesch away, we reached out to local sporting tipster Savvy Sam for his observations on the match against the Wizards, which he was watching, from behind the cemetery wall.
"Well," he said, "Where shall I start? First of all it was good to see some Lobster supporters turning up to cheer on the team, but frankly the courting couple on the rug close to the terrain put on a far better show. It was the same old story, Lobsters starting off well and going in to a lead, then letting the opposition catch up and then compounding their problems by not capitalising on open chances to rack up points. In the triples, Bev, Dave and Chris blew a six point lead to crash out 13 - 6 while the other triples team of Sue, Graham and Alec blew a four point lead to bow out 13 - 10. In the pairs more misery as we were subjected to a spectacle of syncronized failure. Dave and Chris lost 13 - 4, Bev and Sue lost 13 - 7 as did Graham and Alec. A five nil thumping. Do I think that the Lobster player manager is in danger? Well he might be beleaguered again but my tip is that his position is safe. Seeing as to how the committee can't even recruit a chair or secretary, what chances of someone going for that poison chalice of managing the Lobsters?"
Harrison Out Harris In - Dateline 23 - 04 - 26
Dave Harrison could not keep up with Bev Harris today, as she ran out a 13 - 5 winner in their first round Scorcher Torture match. Both are playing in the Lobster v Wizard game tonight, so the fans are hoping both will be fired up for the game.
Bell Wrings Out Martel - Dateline 22 - 04 -26
In the first round match of this year's Scorcher Torture, John Bell came out a decisive winner over Alec Martel with a 13 - 6 victory. Whether the latter was "sick as a parrot" or the former "over the moon" has as yet not been determined.
Wainwright Names Squad for Wizard Clash - Dateline 22 - 04 - 26
Lobster manager Chris Wainwright has named the squad for this Thursday's NFPL clash with the Wizards. It is D Harrison, B Harris, A Martel, S Mundy, G Perkins and C Wainwright. At time of writing he has not named the team compositions.
Parley One - Lobsters Lost - Dateline 20 - 04 - 26
Editor's comment: Apologies for the delay in publishing this report, our sports correspondent L M-F had sent it in on time, but our secretary had mistaken it for a bill and had put it in the "don't want to look at bad news at the moment" pile. Spookily, somewhat appropriate as it turned out!
Lobsters fell short again on Thursday evening, against another strong Parley side - Parley One, losing 1-4.
In the triples, Sheilagh, Graham and Alec kept things tight early on, but, in the end, Parley ran away with it 13-3. Hilary, Ron and Martin, the latter making his Lobsters debut and acquitting himself admirably, however, ran their opponents close, just falling short 11-13.
We found Parley ruthless in the doubles.
Hilary and Sheilagh could not keep up in their game, where Parley started off like a train to win 13-2
Ron and Graham kept things tight early on but succumbed 4-13.
Alec and Martin were our bright spot. In a tight game, they got over the line 13-11 with a 4-point final end.
A hard night in some respects, losing 1 - 4 with a score of 33 - 63 but Parley One are a top side with a contingent of Regional level players.
Wainwright Names Squad for Parley One Clash - Dateline 08 - 04 - 26
The Lobster's campaign in the New Forest Petanque League kicks off with a home match against Parley One on Thursday 9th April. Lobster manager Chris Wainwright named the squad as Ron Humphreys, Sheilagh Humphreys, Graham Perkins, Alec Martel with fresh faces Hilary Tanser and Martin Edge completing the squad.
Scorcher Torture Draw Works Weather Miracle - Dateline 08 - 04 - 26
No sooner had the draw for this year's competition been made on the Tuesday in the Six Bells, then the temperature on the Wednesday soared into "Phew what a scorcher" territory.
Judith Mondry-Flesch was the non competing club member tasked to thrust her well manicured hand into the Sock of Selection with the following result.
With 14 contestants entered, the first two names drawn, had a bye into the second round. These were Martin Edge (who will play the winner of Match 1) and Marion Budgett (who will play the winner of Match 6)
Match 1 - Les Mondry-Flesch v Liz Thompson
Match 2 - Margaret Alexander-Brown v Harry Ellens
Match 3 - Patsy Quirke v Hilary Tanser
Match 4 - Graham Perkins v Chris Wainwright
Match 5 - John Bell v Alec Martel
Match 6 - Dave Harrison v Bev Harris
All first round matches to be played by May 10th. First named to organise.
Lobster Cup Hopes Dashed - Dateline 13 - 04 - 26
L M-F Sport Correspondent
Editor's Comment: A much chocolate stained report on this match has just been received from our sports correspondent Les Mondry-Flesch.
Lobsters gave Parley Blues a fright on Thursday, as we pushed them almost all the way only to succumb 2-3 losing only by 8 points 46-54.
And we won a triples!!
Margaret, Ron and Sheilagh had a tight, tense game early on, but Blues pulled away to win 13-5.
In the other, however, Graham, Bev and Alec bookended their game with 4-point ends, kept it steady in between and came out 13-6 winners.
In the doubles, Graham and Ron hung in for a while but didn't really get going and went down 5-13.
Bev and Alec's game was nip and tuck, but they eventually went down 10-13.
Margaret and Sheilagh's game was also nip and tuck, but they got over the line 13-9.
All in all, a seriously decent showing against one of the top Division's better teams.
Let's hope we can sustain it.
Seahorses Gallop Over Lobsters - Dateline 06 - 04 - 26
First game of the season, an away cup match against the Seahorses did not go well, with only one win out of the five matches and a large 35 point deficit. A baptism of fire for new Lobster Liz. In the triples Harry, Hilary T and Graham went down 31 - 2, while Liz, Allan and Chris faired even worse losing 13 - 1. In the pairs, Harry and Graham came out top 13 - 7, Allan and Hilary T lost 13 - 3, Liz and Chris lost 13 - 5.
Committee Thank Chain Gang - Dateline 06 - 04 - 26
The committee extended their sincere thanks, to all the club members who voluntarily formed themselves into a multi tasking chain gang, to effect repairs/improvements to the LPC stadium (editor's comment: don't get carried away it's a terrain). Tasks included sanding, painting, screwing (new hooks and numbers) tightening of bolts on the shelter, weeding the terrain and applying weedkiller.
Shortly after completion of the tasks and after checking that the paint was dry, John took the opportunity to test the now very smart benches - thumbs up from John.
Comp Sec Spills (Nearly) All - Dateline 06 - 04 - 26
The Bugle caught up with the Competitions Secretary in the Kings Head and took the opportunity of asking him some questions.
Bugle: Good evening CS and who is this gorgeous lady with you?
CS: Errr the lady is just a friend.
Bugle: CS what has happened to the final of the Double Trouble competition?
CS: Well as you know the final was to be played between the Daring Brothers (Perkins/Martel) and the Assassins (Ellens/Quirke) but sadly both Assassins have been suffering from injuries/sickness so the match has been postponed pending their recovery.
Competition Secretary with Justa
Bugle: What about the triples competition? That's all gone very quiet.
CS: Unfortunately, at this time, the concept didn't seem to appeal to most club members and there were too few entries to make it viable so for the time being it has been cancelled.
Bugle: What news of the Scorcher Torture?
CS: Ah, the draw for this competition is being made this coming Tuesday and I will be advising you of the outcome this very week.
Bugle: Thank you for your time and responses CS.
CS: Thank goodness he's gone. Do you think he suspected anything?
Justa: No. He was only interested in one thing, which was not the same as what you are. More bubbly please sweety.
Comp Sec Announces New Comp - Dateline 06 - 03 - 2026
The Club Competitions secretary has announced a new format competition to run from April, probably through to year end. The competition is triples. He explained the rough outline to us in the Mayflower. "It will be a triples competition played on a league basis throughout the year. The teams will be selected on a random draw basis like the pairs competition was. It will be two points for a win with the for and against scores being taken into consideration as well. The number of matches to be played will be somewhat dependent on the number of teams playing and will be announced later. I strongly recommend that Lobster team members enter this competition as this format seems to be our weakness in NFPL matches. An announcement will be made shortly on WhatsApp that applications to enter are being accepted. For marketing purposes this competition is called Menage A Trois "
The Bugle looks forward to further news for this somewhat salacious sounding competition.
Wainwright Names Lobster Squad - Savvy Sam Gutted - Dateline 06 - 03 - 26
Beleaguered Lobster manager, Chris Waunwright, has named his squad for this year's NFPL campaign. It is; Alexander-Brown M, Cornwall R, Edge M, Ellens H, Fawcuss A, Harris B, Harrison D, Humphreys R, Humphreys S, Mondry-Flesch L, Martel A, Mundy S, Perkins G, Quirke P, Tanser H, Thompson H, Thompson L and finally himself Wainwright C.
We showed the squad list to local sporting tipster Savvy Sam, who we found in the Kings Arms. After studying it for a while he remarked, "Well I see he has brought in some new names but I'm gutted that he has still not signed any French or indeed Belgian players. Is it because the committee won't release any funds for him or is it a matter of not being able to get work permits? Who knows? Mines a double, thanks."
Beleaguered Manager
Lobsters in NFPL Cup & League Chaos as Savvy Sam Calls for Probe - Dateline 22 - 07 - 26
Local Lymington sports tipster, Savvy Sam, called for a probe into the NFPL 2026 fixture scheduling. An error in the cup draw means that the Lobsters now play their home match on the 2nd April against Parley Blues and not the Maniacs as previously stated. In the League, the late withdrawal of one of the clubs means that Division 2 (where Lobster languish) now only has five teams (Division 1 for this season only having 7). So the Lobsters now play their normal 8 matches home and away and then an additional 4 (two home and 2 away on a random basis). The draw has as yet not been made. An irate Savvy Sam said, "How am I supposed to sell reliable tips to the sporting punters when the fixtures seem to be set on shifting sand - I'm not happy."
Tipster Savvy Sam
Double Trouble Comp Semis Sorted - Dateline 22 - 02 - 26
The two semi finals of the Double Trouble competition were recently played. The Daring Brothers (Alec M and Graham P) proved to be too daring for the Necromancers (John W and Hilary T) and came out 13 - 7 winners. In the other semi, the Assassins (Harry E and Pat Q) lived up to their team name and killed off the hopes of the Pointers (Dave H and Martin E) despite their late rally, 13 - 11. So we can look forward to an Assassins v Daring Brothers final in March to clear the way for the start of this year's Scorcher Torture.
Tough Start for Lobsters - Dateline 13 - 02 - 26
In the first round of the NFPL Cup the Lobsters have been drawn to play the Seahorses away and in the second round they play the Maniacs at home. Both sides are from the first division. It will be interesting to see what game plan their beleagured manager comes up with.
Semis this Month - Dateline 13 - 02 - 26
The Double Trouble semi final between the Necromancers and the Daring Brothers has been set for 1.30pm on the 17th February. As yet the Assassins v Pointers match is unscheduled.
Sorceresses Spell Fails on Necromancers - Dateline 07 - 02 - 26
Any spells cast before or during the match failed to produce the desired effect for the Sorceresses (Ro Otten and Bev Harris) as the Necromancers (John White and Hilary Thompson) shrugged them off to come out the 13 - 5 winners. They now go on to meet the Daring Brothers in the Semi's.
Ron is the Killer in Chiller Thriller Final - Dateline 04 - 02 - 26
A dramatic domestic ding dong as Ron H met wife Sheilagh in the final of the Chiller Thriller before a crowd of baying Petanque fans. Both contestants came on to the terrain with their stadium music playing (click right hand corners of the vids to hear it).
The match commenced with Ron's supporters chanting "We've got Ron, He's a brute, He can point and he can shoot." with Sheilagh's fans countering "She can point, She can shoot, She is Sheilagh and she's cute."
Despite Sheilagh scoring first Ron pulled away to win 13 - 5.
As winner, Ron walked away with the Norman Naff Memorial Trophy, a bottle of French wine and the Baguette of Bragging. As runner up, Sheilagh received a bottle of French wine and the Croissants of Condolences.
Post match everyone trooped off to have a round of drinks on the champion. Our Bugle reporter asked Sheilagh what they were having for dinner that night, "Well I'm having a fine steak but he's having a cold bowl of gruel in the shed." Oooooerrr !
Latin Readers/Speakers Wanted - Dateline 01 - 02 - 26
With the proximity of the graveyard so near to the terrain, some club members were begining to suspect that it might be in some way linked to the constant pools of water forming in the storage cabinet. In an effort to get to the bottom of this, the Bugle called in Gideon Longshank of Ringwood, renowned exorcist come vampire hunter and part time jobbing mill hand.
According to Gideon, the storage cabinet is being haunted by the spirit of a French p.o.w. officer from the Napoleonic wars who died while working on the crinkle crankle walls in Church Lane.
He was buried in an unmarked grave near the terrain and is most perturbed that "Les Rosbifs" are not only playing his national game but playing it badly.
For the price of a bit of a session in the Six Bells, Gideon has supplied us with some incantations that will rid us of the rascal.
Sadly these appear to be in Latin, so we are looking for Latin reading/speaking members who could bang these out at midnight in preferably a Soprano voice but at a pinch a Mezzo-Soprano would probably do.
Gideon Longshank in action.
February Fixture Chaos Looms - Dateline 27 - 01 - 26
A potential for fixture chaos has arisen for next month. A health anomaly with one of the Sorceresses has resulted in their Double Trouble match against the Necromancers being moved to Tuesday 3rd February. This is the same day as the Chiller Thriller final ding-dong between the Humphreys. Both matches are "weather permitting". The Double Trouble semis are also scheduled for this month so any further cancellations may impact competition rules. However, when approached in the Monkey House, the competition organiser said, "With all these storms rolling in, I've got to take a somewhat pragmatic view on deadlines and adjust if needed. Mines a double - thanks."
Domestic Ding Dong Is On - Dateline 25 - 01 - 26
The much anticipated final of the Chiller Thriller has finally arrived. Ron Humphreys and wife Sheilagh have agreed to square up to each other on Tuesday 3rd February at 1.30 pm weather permiting. Editor's comment: A reasonable rider, after all it's the Chiller Thriller and not the Pain in the Rain or Thud in the Mud or Throw in the Snow.
Arrangements are being made to transport the much derided Norman Naff Memorial Trophy from its current location in an unsecure allotment shed to the terrain for presentation to the winner.
It has been noticed by members, that recently some local ambulance chasing lawyers, who also dabble in divorce cases, have taken to hanging around the terrain. A coincidence ? Who knows ?
Snipers Forget to Bring Ammo - Dateline 21 - 01 - 26
The Double Trouble clash between the Snipers (H Harrison & L Mondry-Flesch) and the Assassins (H Ellens & P Quirke) proved to be a nightmare for the former. Although arriving with their scoped up rifles, the Snipers seemingly had forgotten to bring any ammunition with them as they had no answer to the Assassins dagger like blows which saw them run out 13 - 1 winners. A dejected Mondry-Flesch said, "Today, we just could not find the target."
Last Double Trouble Match Arranged - Dateline 18 - 01 - 26
The last of the Double Trouble first round matches has been arranged for Tuesday 20th at 1.00pm between Harry E & Pat Q (billed as the Assassins) and Hazel H & L Mondry-Flesch (billed as the Snipers).
Pointers Drag Themselves Over Winning Line - Dateline 18 - 01 - 26
Quite a large crowd turned out to watch the Double Trouble match between Margaret A-B & Allan F (Shooters) and Martin E & Dave H (Pointers) possibly because they were expecting one of the latter pair to be in drag as a result of a printing error in the publicity poster, depicting one as a woman. Sadly this did not happen but what the crowd had instead was a thrilling match as the Shooters slowly clawed their way back into contention from a 10 - 1 deficit before eventually losing out 13 - 11.
Two More Double Trouble Matches Scheduled - Dateline 15 - 01- 26
Much to the organiser's surprise, two more Double Trouble matches have been scheduled by the contestants allowing the publicity machine to swing into action. Margaret A-B & Allan F (billed as the Shooters) play Martin E & Dave H (billed as the Pointers) at 1.00pm this Saturday.
Ro O & Bev T (billed as the Sorceresses) play John W & Hilary T (billed as the Necromancers) on the 27th January at 1.20pm.
Wainwright Launches 2026 Recruitment Campaign - Dateline 11 - 01 - 26
Not Clever Enough - Dateline 11 - 01 - 26
The first match in the new club pairs competition, Double Trouble, was played this Saturday between Liz Thompson & Chris Wainwright (nom de Boules "The Clever Couple") against "The Daring Brothers", Alec Martel & Graham Perkins. Unfortunately the former were not clever enough as the daring ones came out as the 13 - 3 winners.
Martel Perkins v Thompson Wainwright Clash Set - Dateline 09 - 01 - 26
We understand that the contractual arrangements for the first Double Trouble clash have been resolved and all participants are looking forward to the inaugural competition match this coming Saturday.
Double Trouble Teams Named - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
The teams for the ingaugural Double Trouble competion have been named. The draw was made in the Six Bells by club member Sue Mundy who is not competing. Sue thrust her well manicured hand into the Sock of Selection and the result was:
Ro Otten & Bev Harris will play John White & Hilary Thompson.
Liz Thompson & Chris Wainwright will play Alec Martel & Graham Perkins.
Margaret Alexander-Brown & Allan Fawcuss will play Martin Edge & Dave Harrison.
Harry Ellens & Pat Quirke will play Hazel Harrison & Les Mondry-Flesch.
Full rules can be found on the competitions page.
When we asked local Lymington sporting tipster Savvy Sam, who he fancied for the win, he said it was too early to make a call.
Savvy Sam
It's Going to be a Domestic Ding Dong - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
A badly out of practice Bev Harris elected to play Ron Humphreys in the Chiller Thriller semi final, just minutes after his wife reached the final by beating Allan Fawcus. Club members were intrigued to see whether the final was going to be an all girl cat fight or a domestic ding dong. As Bev went down 13 - 7 the promotion machine swung into action.
Fawcus Not Raucous - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
There was no raucous celebration from Allan Fawcus as his hopes for a place in the Chiller Thriller final was brought to an abrupt end by a steady pointing Sheilagh Humphreys who marched on to a 13 - 5 win.
Bugle Panic - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
Readers have been calling and texting in a blind panic because they can't find last year's copy of the Bugle. Panic not it can be found in the archive page under the 2025 button.
Humphreys Give Birth - Dateline 07 - 01 - 26
Editor's Comment - apologies for the late copy but the Bugle staff have been accidently locked into a local pub's cellar room - nightmare.
The Humphreys may well have given birth to an unexpected LPC tradition by suggesting that club members attend the terrain on New Year's day afternoon to play, fraternise, drink each others health and nibble (not necks or ears but mince pies and such.)
This proved a great success, as members augmented Ron and Sheilagh's generous food and drink contribution with additional fare.
The Bugle took the opportunity to award beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright with the CDM to compensate for him being yet again snubbed in the New Year Honour List - no change there then.
Toward the end of the afternoon, the general consensus of opinion by club members was that this should be repeated in 2027.
And thus a tradition is born.
Drinks and nibbles
CDM award holder
As can be seen, some members covered necks and ears in case the nibbling rule was misunderstood.
A Happy New Year 2026 to all our loyal readers - Dateline 01 - 01 - 26
Another year, another issue of the Boules Bugle bringing you all the news and gossip from the Lymington Petanque Club terrain, home of the Lobsters. Sadly our four year run of winning the Scurrilous Rag of the Year award has come to an end (won by Bribourne Swim Club Sentinel and their Changing Room Capers Column).
To start the year on a positive note we have invited back Woodini the legendary Mystic and Seer to make a few predictions for 2026.
WOODINI PREDICTS THAT :
Greetings my Petanque Playing Pals! I was spot on with my predictions for last year; 2, 14, 27, 28, 29, 49 did not win the national lottery jackpot and Southampton FC did not win the Premier League title. Let's see how I do this year. I gaze into my crystal ball, the veil lifts and I predict :-
1. The following number sequence 7, 18, 29, 32, 33, 43 will not win the national lottery jackpot in 2026.
2. This year, the Lobsters will not win their division.
3. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor will not become a member of the Lymington British Legion.