The Boules Bugle 2025
WHEN THERE IS NO NEWS THERE IS ALWAYS FALSE NEWS !
Winner of the Scurrilous Rag of the Year award for four years running.
Harris the Dream Dasher - Dateline 12 - 05 - 25
Les Mondry-Flesch's dreams of doubling double barrelled surnames in the last eight of the Scorcher Torture competition turned into a nightmare as Bev Harris stormed to a 13 - 9 victory thus securing her place in the quarters where she will play against Hilary Tanser in June.
Thompson Falls to Alexander-Brown - Dateline 11 - 05 - 25
Margaret Alexander-Brown secured her place in the Scorcher Torture quarter finals by defeating Liz Thompson 13 - 9. In June she will be playing the winner of the John White v Graham Perkins clash which is scheduled to be played in the next few days.
Lobsters Slide Slope to Defeat #20 - Dateline 08 - 05 - 25
Beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright's woes continued as the team maintained their unending run of losses going down 4 to 1 at the Harrier's terrain. The notorious sloping surface proved the Lobsters downfall as as soon as (editor's comment 3 "as" in 4 words ? does that make sense ?) the Harriers gained control of the jack, they placed it in positions too slippery for the away team to master. In the triples Quirke, Ellens and Martel lost 13 - 6 while Harris, Mundy and Perkins lost by a more respectable 13 - 10. In the pairs Ellens and Perkins lost 13 - 5, Mundy and Harris also lost 13 - 5 but miracle of miracles Quirke and Martel won their match in a last boule thriller 13 - 10. There was a notable absence of away supporters and who can blame them.
Perkins Joins Last 16 - Dateline 07 - 05 - 25
The delayed preliminary round match between Ruth Cornwall and Graham Perkins resulted in a 13 - 7 win for the latter who now comes up against John White in the last sixteen.
Tanser Dominates - Dateline 04 - 05 - 2025
A ruthless Hilary Tanser continued her domination of male opponents in the Scorcher Torture competition as she destroyed Harry Ellens 13 - 5 thus securing her place in the June quarter finals.
Double Dutch In Scorcher Torture Last 16 - Dateline 30 - 04 - 25
With Anthea Holland beating Sue Mundy 13 - 12 in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture, we now have a double dutch interest in the last 16 - Anthea by name and Les by antecedents. Who would have thought eh?
Has Wainwright Seduced Lady Luck ? - Dateline 28 - 04 - 25
There is a rumour circulating around the club that beleaguered Lobster team manager Chris Wainwright has somehow managed to seduce (editor's comment: isn't this now known as groom?) Lady Luck and the besotted woman is now showering him with favours. First she enabled him to beat Pat Quirke in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture and now suddenly with club stalwart Glynis Ellens leaving LPC he gets propelled straight into the quarter finals. If true, then let's hope that he doesn't hog all the luck for himself and directs some of it at the Lobsters.
Smiles for Wainwright - Dateline 27 - 04 - 25
Beleaguered Lobsters team manager Chris Wainwright at last had something to smile about as he managed to beat Pat Quirke 13 - 11 in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture competition. He will now play Glynis Ellens in the last sixteen.
Signs of Improvement - Dateline 27 - 04 - 25
Editorial comment. Our very own sport correspondent, L M-F, reports from the terrain or maybe the Six Bells, we will never know.
The Lobsters gave a good account of themselves in this New Forest League Cup match last Thursday evening. Though the score was 4-1, it in no way reflects the ebb and flow of a match that Lobsters, on another evening, might have won 3-2, scoring 50 points, their best ever haul in a match.
In the triples, Hilary Thompson, Graham and Allan fell 8-13, Monarchs taking an early lead, though Lobsters kept in touch right up to the end.
And Pat, Harry Ellens and Alec looked down and out but pulled it back only to be denied 9-13 when, at 9-11, the match could have gone either way.
In the doubles, Graham and Harry were involved in a tight game which we led early on and didn't relinquish, winning 13-8.
Pat and Alec were also involved in a tight match which swung to and fro but they fell agonisingly short 11-13
Hilary and Allan were also involved in a close one, which Monarchs led early on. Though Lobster hung in, we couldn't quite catch them and lost 9-13.
An enjoyable evening against pleasant opponents. If Lobsters continue on this upward trajectory, we might surprise a few, including ourselves!, this season.
Monarchs Fail to Break Lobster Record Run - Dateline 24 - 04 - 25
The Lobsters extended their record breaking run to 19 defeats in a row after coming out 4 - 1 losers to the Monarchs in the second cup game of the season. Beleaguered team manager Chris Wainwright said, "Earlier this month we lost to the Monarchs at home by 33 points but this time by only 10. We must try harder." A full report will be appearing shortly.
Double Barrelled Blaster ! - Dateline 24 - 04 - 25
By a quirke (nothing to do with Pat) of fate, two members with double barrelled names were drawn to play each other in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture. Les Mondry-Flesch, with his Dutch ancestry, proved to be the Holland and Holland of the two, as he blasted his way through to the next round with a 13 - 3 win over John Alexander-Brown.
Edge Edged Out - Dateline 23-04-25
A confident Hilary Tanser goes through to the last sixteen of this year's Scorcher Torture after beating Martin 13 to 4.
Death Knell for Bell RakeWell ? - Dateline 16 - 04 - 25
Local inventor John Bell, fears that Trump's tarrifs will scupper his fledgling company that was planning to start mass manufacture of the Bell RakeWell mrk1.
After successful testing of the contraption on the Lymington Petanque Club terrain, John was confident that it would prove a winner in America and had already secured some tentative enquiries from Walmart before the tarrifs were announced.
"I fear that these tarrifs will make my product too expensive for the American market." said a crestfallen John. "To cut my production costs I am trying to source my materials out of skips and fly tipping sites but I fear that even that won't help."
Humphreys Rings End for Bell - Dateline 14 - 04 - 25
John Bell's progress in the Scorcher Torture competition never got started as an in form Ron Humphreys,
still bristling at last week's Lobster loss to the Monarchs, ran out a 13 to 8 winner in the preliminary round.
Stop Press - Dateline 13 - 04 - 25
First Scorcher Torture of 2025 result: Kathleen Hales (5) v Margaret Alexander-Brown (13)
New Captain but Same Old Tears - Dateline 13 -04 - 25
Editorial comment. Apologies for the late copy but unfortunately the Bugle editorial staff have been in court defending themselves against an obscure and archaic Victorian charge of "Entering an emporium for the purpose of leering and/or lusting at and/or inappropriately touching and/or caressing a manikin be it male, female or androgynous, dressed or undressed in pursuit of self gratification." On the fourth day, our barrister past the judge a note (£50) and to our relief the matter was laughed out of court.
L M-F Bugle Sport Correspondent reports.
The Lobsters, captained by Ron Humphreys in Chris Wainwrights abscence, suffered a case of deja vu against Muscliff Monarchs last Thursday evening, losing 1-4 in their opening New Forest Petanque League match.
The highlight of the evening was Harry Ellens and Peter Fraser winning a tight doubles match 13-10.
Otherwise, the evening had got of to a disastrous start, both doubles matches being lost by Peter, Graham and John Skerry 2-13 and Pat, Ron and Harry 3-13. In both games, Monarchs took and early lead and simply marched off into the distance.
The mountain became insurmountable when Pat and Ron lost their doubles 2-13. Again, Monarchs took an early lead and disappeared into the distance.
Graham and John fared better. While Monarchs took an early lead, they were kept within striking distance but Lobsters couldn't quite keep up.
But hats off to Harry (as Del Shannon almost sang!) and Peter.
Lobsters play Monarchs again next week, this time in the Cup. Let's hope we've learned a few lessons by then.
Trump Tariffs Trouble Lobsters - Dateline 04 - 04 - 2025
The morning news about the Trump imposed tariffs played heavily on the minds of the Lobster squad (Ellens H, Humphreys R, Mundy S, Perkins G, Quirke P and Wainwright C) picked to play the first NFPL match of the season to such an extent that they crashed out with a five nil loss in the first round of the cup at Southampton. One of our Lobster players confided to the Bugle in a post match interview, "After Trump announced his tariffs in the morning, I was horrified to see that my shares in the Stockport Rubber Ball Company were plummeting on the FTSE250. I must admit that I spent most of the match worrying if they would ever bounce back and that badly impacted my game."
Next week the Lobsters play their first league match against the Monarchs at home. We can but hope that by then the tariff shocks will have somewhat subsided.
Allo Allo - Dateline 21-03-25
This year's Summer Social will take place on July 15th with a French theme. Now would be a good time to start practicing your " You stupid woman's, Oooooh Rene's, Ooooooh Yvette's, I was pissing post the piste's, What are you doing with that painted strumpet in your arms?" You get the picture.
Sock of Selection has Spoken - Dateline 21-03-25
Following assurances by the competition organiser that the Sock of Selection had been thoroughly washed and had had a good rinse in Comfort (and not some cheepo Saturday market rubbish) Judith Mondry-Flesch agreed to plunge her hand into its dark and mysterious interior to make the draw for Scorcher Torture 2025. This was conducted in front of the club committee on the 18th March. The result of said draw can be found in the competitions section.
A Big Fat NON for Wainwright - Dateline 11 - 03 - 25
Lobsters Captain/Manager, Chris Wainwright, has already suffered his first setback even before the NFPL season has begun. His attempt to recruit some seasoned French petanque players on a free transfer has been (like last season's results) an abject failure. Both Hugo "L'assassin" Segal of the Conquerants de Calais and Gaston "Trois Tartes" Gagnier of Les Maraudeurs de Marseille rejected his overtures with a resounding "Tu ris, n'est-ce pas" which we understand roughly translates to "You're having a laugh aren't you".
NFPL Announce League Match Draw - Dateline 11 - 03 - 25
The NFPL Division 2 League draw has been made and the club's calendar has been updated to reflect the Lobsters' match schedule. The entire Bugle staff wish the Lobsters the best of luck for the coming season.
Scorcher Torture 2025 Announced - Dateline 28 - 02 - 2025
The LPC organiser of this year's Scorcher Torture, has announced that entries for this members only competition are now being accepted up until 16th March. Members who anticipate being away for over a month between April and September should not apply.
Naff Goes to Webmaster - Dateline 26 - 02 - 2025
Yesterday's final of the Chiller Thriller competition, played before a crowd running into double figures, between club sec Bev Harris and a workshy fop of a webmaster Alec Martel, resulted in a 13 - 10 win for the latter. Presentation of the Norman Naff Memorial trophy and medicinal prizes was made by last year's winner, Pat Quirke, who was heard to comment, "Thank heavens someone else has got that ghastly trophy".
Lobsters Cup and Plate Fixtures - Dateline 15 - 02 - 2025
The NFPL draw has been made for the first round of the Cup/Plate competition. The Lobsters have been drawn to play Southampton away on the 3rd of April and Monarchs at home on the 24th of April. They played and lost to the Monarchs in last season's league but the Saints are a new kettle of fish.
Bugle Makes A Sad Announcement - Dateline 15 - 02 - 2025
It is with a heavy heart that we have to advise that because of Chancellor Reeves's recent announcements of increases to both the minimum wage and national insurance contributions, we have had to make some redundancies to help ends meet. As a result both the Wise Woman of Walhampton and Woodini, with immediate effect, will no longer be employed by us. On hearing the news a sanguine Woodini stated, "This is as I predicted on the 5th July 2015." Moving forward, we still hope to engage with both of them on a freelance basis.
Summer Club Playing Times - Dateline 21 - 01 - 2025
Members were polled at the Christmas lunch as to their preferred solution for resolving the problem of too many players turning up for a game on Tuesdays in summer time. The solution voted for was the two sessions option. Thus from the beginning of club summer time games, which this year start on 1st April, the following rules come into play..
The first session will run from 2.00 pm till 3.00 pm the FIRST 24 players to arrive will play. Anyone arriving after this time will have to wait till the second session starts which will be 3.30 pm till whenever. Of course you can opt to play at 3.30 anyway. The half hour gap between the two sessions is to allow a bit of socialising. There is nothing to stop someone who has played during the first session to also play in the second session to make up numbers if so required.
Sec Through to Final - Dateline 21 - 01 - 24
Despite a valiant defence, Hilary Thompson failed to hold off Beverley Harris who powered herself to a 13 - 8 victory before a crowd of two. She now meets the webmaster in the February final of the Chiller Thriller for the Norman Naff Memorial Trophy. There is no truth in the rumour that it is being renamed the Committee Trophy.
Wise Woman of Walhampton
Eunice Spice - she gives good advice - Dateline 17 - 01 - 25
This week Mrs.TK of Lyndhurst sent me a photograph of her nasty lump and asked for advice on the best way of getting rid of it. Well I can suggest a couple of possible solutions to her problem.
1. Go foraging for mushrooms, taking a somewhat cavalier attitude to all safety advice. Top tip; the red ones look really pretty. Bake the mushrooms into a pie, serve up and await results (do not eat the pie yourself)
2. Broaden your horizons by taking up a new challenge e.g. motor servicing.
You can practice on the family car. Start on some simple maintenance task. I would recommend adjusting the brakes. Trust your woman's instincts and don't waste money buying a Haynes Manual.
P.S. Don't get into the car if it is going to be driven (especially down hill)
Woodini Predicts - Dateline - 15 - 01 - 25
Greetings my Petanque Playing Pals! Apologies for the delay in publishing my first predictions for 2025 in this august journal but as I first predicted in May last year, I went down with a bought of influenza on new year's day. Happily thanks to Lemsip and some Night Nurse (especially the latter) I am now fully recovered. I gaze into my crystal ball, the veil lifts and I predict :-
1. The following number sequence 2, 14, 27, 28, 29, 49 will not win the national lottery jackpot this month.
2. This year, Southampton FC will not win the Premier League title.
That's all for now till February.
Ward Floored - Dateline 11 - 01 - 2025
Alec Martel, the current Scorcher Torture champ, made his bid for double bubble glory by defeating Simon Ward in the Chiller Thriller semi-final 13 - 3.
Naff Semi-finals Loom - Dateline 01 - 01 - 2025
This month will see the semi-finals of the Chiller Thriller competition as the last four (Hilary Thompson v Beverley Harris and Simon Ward v Alec Martel) battle it out for the honour of going through to the final and the chance of getting their hands on the much coveted Norman Naff Memorial Trophy.
Bugle Retains Title - Dateline 01 - 01 - 2025
We are proud to announce that despite very strong competition from The Wiggleford and District Allotment Herald with their salacious Forbidden Fruit of the Month page and scandalous Behind Closed Shed Doors column, your Bugle has once again won the Scurrilous Rag of the Year award.
Bugle Hires Top Columnists - Dateline 01 - 01 - 2025
Two new columnists join the Bugle this month. Woodini : Mystic and Seer whose predictions have never been known to be wrong. He is currently busy buffing his crystal balls (surely boules - ed) and will be making his first prognostications for the year later this month. He is joined by Eunice Spice the Wise Woman of Walhampton who is happy to give sage advice on your horticultural, medical, personal, sexual, sporting or what have you problems. She is currently putting a new ribbon into her Remmington