The Boules Bugle 2025
WHEN THERE IS NO NEWS THERE IS ALWAYS FALSE NEWS !
Winner of the Scurrilous Rag of the Year award for four years running.
REST ASSURED THAT THIS SITE DOES NOT USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE JUST GENUINE STUPIDITY
Clash of Titans Resolves Scorcher Torture - Dateline 20 - 08 - 25
The final of this year's Scorcher Torture competition was played out yesterday at high noon under a blazing sun (editor's comment; surely 1.15 pm and under sunny spells?) between Lobster's beleagured team manager Chris Wainwright and the Lobster comeback king Ron Humphrys.
Wainwright won the first 4 ends running up a score of 6 before Humphreys responded with a cheeky 3 on the next end. Wainwright responded with a 2 and Humphreys countered with another 3. At this point the score stood at 8 - 6. Was the comeback king making his move? Despite his best efforts, Humphreys kept trailing Wainwright as the latter chipped away with 1s and 2s. In the end the honours fell to Wainwright who ran out a 13 - 10 winner. Post match, Humphreys was awarded the Croissant of Consolation and a bottle of wine while Wainwright received the Baguette of Bragging, a bottle of wine and the Scorcher Torture Trophy. Well done to both players for providing an entertaining and sporting match before a crowd of watching club members.
Wizards Bewitch Lobsters - Dateline 15/10/25
Editor's Comment: Surely only witches can "bewitch" but can wizards "bewizard" - check with Roy Wood.
Editor's comment: Once again the editorial staff have been found in court defending themselves against another spurious charge brought under arcane Victorian legislation namely; wearing a loud tie whilst sitting in a first class compartment that has been designated a quiet area on the London to Penzance express: 5 Guinea fine and banned from Great Western services for three years.
Whilst awaiting being called into court, a disreputable looking fellow sidled up to us (not our barrister) and slipped us a note written on some HMPS toilet paper. It took some effort to decipher the content but what it said was:
Wainwright's mob failed against the Wizards.
Triples - loss for Humphreys, Cornwall and Ellens 13 - 2 but a win for Quirke, Mundy and Wainwright 13 - 8.
A right old pasting all round in the pairs: Cornwall and Humphreys bashed 13 - 2. Mundy and Ellens hammered the same. Quirke and Wainwright did slightly better only suffering a 13 - 5 loss.
Tell yer lot to go tooled up next time.
Signed A friend.
Triple Trouble Trips Lobsters - Dateline 25 - 07 - 25
A bit of a massacre at the hands of the Harriers in the triples proved to be the Lobsters downfall as they performed well in the pairs.
Mundy, Harris and Perkins suffered a 13 to nil thumping, while Quirke, Ellens and Humphreys managed to get 2 points onto the board before flaming out 13 - 2.
Somewhat stung by this hammering, the squad pulled itself together for the pairs.
Harris and Humphreys embarked on the high risk tactic of "Let's lull them into a false sense of security before striking like Cobras." They let the opposition build a nailbiting 12 - 1 lead before making their big play to win 13 - 12. As Del Boy would have said, "Who dares wins."
Quirke and Perkins took a more traditional approach but managed a 13 - 10 win as did the Mundy and Ellens combination but their effort fell a bit short as they lost out 13 - 8.
Beleagured team manager Wainwright can take some comfort from this loss following the Lobsters second half performance. However, he will need to take great care when playing Humphreys in next month's Scorcher Torture final should he find himself running away with a big lead.
An Editorial Apology - Dateline 24 -07 - 25
Editor's comment: Once again the editorial staff have been found in court defending themselves against another spurious charge brought under arcane Victorian legislation namely, "Entering a place of worship during evensong, whilst dressed as a Mediterranean foreigner with the sole intent of inappropriately exciting or alarming widows or maidens of this parish." Guilty - 7 Guinea fine. As a result of this unfortunate unpleasantness we have fallen behind with the Bugles' News page. What follows is a catch up of events, namely Lobster team selection, Scorcher Torture semi final results and summer party.
Wainwright Buys Hat - Names Team - Dateline 24 - 07 - 25
For the Lobster home game against the Harriers on the 24th July, beleagured team manager Chris Wainwright bought a hat at his own expense, placed all the Lobster squad names in it and asked a passing itinerant to put down his bottle of cider and to draw out seven names. This novel approach to team selection did not start well. The first name produced was Boodle Dobbs which was actually the hat maker. The next item pulled was Size 10 - again an invalid selection. Finally we got Ruth Cornwall, Sue Mundy, Pat Quirke, Beverley Harris, Graham Perkins, Harry Ellens and Ron Humphreys. However we learn that Cornwall pulled out on match day due to illness.
Scorcher Torture Final to be a Clash of Titans - Dateline 24 - 07 - 25
Chris Wainwright, vented all his many frustrations at his inability to pick a winning Lobster side on ex club secretary Bev Harris and came out a 13 - 10 winner. In the other semi final, fellow Lobster's Ron Humphreys and Graham Perkins met to decide who would be the top crustacean to go through to the final. After a thrilling tail and claw match Ron came out the 13 - 12 winner.
Chris and Ron will play the final in August.
French Social ca va Avec un Bang - Dateline 24 - 07 - 25
A seemingly endless parade of stretched Citroens and Renaults pulled into Emsworth Road car park to disgorge the glitterati of the New Forest who were attending the Lymington Petanque Club's French themed Summer Party. Many of the guests had taken the trouble to dress in the haute couture style of the French whilst others had obviously bothered to learn some French, as phrases such as zoot alors, mon dieu, sacre bleu et al could be heard peppering conversations as they tucked into a Michelin star quality buffet washed down with an array of fine French wines and beers.
Press the colour supplement link to see a few photos from the event.
Wainwright and Players Slam Fans - Dateline 03 - 07 - 25
Both player manager Chris Wainwright and the squad slammed Lobster fans, following tonights defeat to the Monarchs. One of the squad went so far as to say, "We were gutted that no Lobster fans turned up to support us. We were hoping to hear some Monarch baiting chants like 'We're Chris Wainwright's roundhead army' or 'Olly Cromwell walks on water tra la la la la la la la.' It would have really raised our game. I suppose they were all at home sipping cocktails while watching Wimbledon on the telly. Well the next time one of them asks me to autograph some body part of theirs they can go whistle!"
Despite making a good fist of their play the games just would not go Lobsters way.
In the triples Quirke, Ellens and Martel lost 13 - 10 while Tanser, Fraser and Wainwright lost 13 - 8.
In the pairs Tanser and Wainwright lost 13 - 4 Quirke and Martel lost 13 - 8 Fraser and Ellens lost 13 - 11.
Wainwright Names Squad - Dateline 01 - 07 - 25
Chris Wainwright has named his squad to play the Monarchs away and beseached them to embrace the spirit of Oliver Cromwell. The squad is Ellens, Fraser, Martel, Quirke, Tanser and himself.
All Lobster Scorcher - Dateline 01 - 07 - 25
The last two matches played in the Scorcher Torture quarter finals resulted in Graham Perkins defeating Margaret Alexander-Brown 13 - 10 and Bev Harris beating Hilary Tanser 13 - 6.
This means that the semi finals to be played in July will be an all Lobster squad event with Chris Wainwright lining up against Bev Harris and Ron Humphreys against Graham Perkins.
Lobsters Deplated - Dateline 01 - 07 - 25
Editor's comment: The editorial staff have been suffering from a bad case of lethargy brought on by the hot weather and excess of Prosseco but have finally produced copy of the Lobsters v Harriers plate match. However, the lethargy is such that I note they can't even be bothered to mock the team manager. Rest assured that I will be speaking to them in no uncertain terms on this point.
Sadly another loss for the Lobsters as the Harriers jumped all over them. In the Triples Perkins, Quirke and Cornwall lost out 13 - 10 while Skerry, Mundy and Ellens suffered a 13 - 9 defeat.
The pairs matches did not go well either with all matches lost. Perkins/Ellens wiped out 0 - 13, Skerry/Quirke 9 - 13 and Cornwall/Mundy 8 - 13.
A Win for Wainwright - Dateline 26 - 06 - 25
A grin is back on beleagured Lobsters manager Chris Wainwright's face as he came out a 13 - 8 winner over Marion Budgett in the Scorcher Torture quarter finals. Let's hope it is still there after tonight's Lobsters match against the Harriers!
Lobsters v Harriers Team Selected - Dateline 25 - 06 - 25
Beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright must have crept out of hiding last night as Bugle staff arriving for work this morning found the team selection for tonight's NFPL Plate match against the Harriers scrawled out on the back of an old gas bill (final demand) and pushed under our door. The team is - Cornwall, Mundy, Quirke, Skerry, Perkins and Ellens.
Humphreys Halts Holland - Dateline 25 - 06 - 25
Ron Humphreys, still tasting victory in his mouth following his pairs success in the recent match against the Sealions, put paid to Anthea Hollands hopes for Scorcher Torture bragging rights with a 13 - 9 victory.
Wainwright in Hiding as Lobsters get Hiding - Dateline 20 - 06 - 25
Editor’s comment: Apologies for the scant details of this away league match but once again the Bugle editorial staff have been appearing in court defending themselves against another obscure Victorian charge of “Snoring furiously while within hearing distance of a member of the Royal Household on official duty.” Two guinea fine.
Beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright appears to have gone into hiding even before the Lobsters depressing away defeat at the hands (editor: surely fore-flippers?) of the Sealions. As we were not at the match and because there was no subsequent press conference, we are relying on information provided by our traveling army of fan.
The fan reports that in the triples, Perkins, Quirke and Humphreys ground out a 13 – 7 defeat while Cornwall, Mundy and Ellens had no answer to Sealion power play and lost 13 – 0. Thankfully there was no need to kiss the buttocks of some figurine.
In the pairs, Perkins and Quirke lost 13 – 3, Ellens and Mundy lost 13 – 6 while Cornwall and Humphreys provided the only bright spot of the evening with a 13 – 10 victory. With the score at 11 – 10 in their favour, Humphrey’s last boule dislodged the oppositions scoring boules to bring two Lobster boules into scoring positions – game over.
(hope this will do mr editor but I’m into my third bottle of Prosecco – staff writer)
Mondry-Flesch's Wizzo Wizards Report (he was there) - Dateline 07 - 06 - 25
Lobsters suffered a 1-4 defeat to Muscliff Wizards on Thursday evening.In the triples, Graham, Ruth and Sue lost 6-13. It was tight early on, but Wizards pulled away.In the other Ron, Pat and Harry simply couldn't find their mojo. Despite a gallant fightback, they succumbed 7-13. In the doubles, Ron and Ruth lost 4-13. An early 4-point end for the Wizards took the wind out of their sails. Harry and Chris kept things tight early on in their game but, again, a 4-point end took the wind out of their sails and they went down 5-13. The bright spot on an otherwise damp,
dispiriting evening was provided by Pat and Graham, who waltzed off into the distance. The Wizards did fight back late on to give the score a veneer of respectability at 13-6, but it was pretty comprehensive. It should be noted that Wizards played 2 Frenchmen, which we thought was a bit below the belt.😁 An appeal to the League is under consideration 😉.
We host the League Singles competition next Thursday. Any help you can afford Chris will be greatly appreciated
Lobsters Bewitched By Wizards - Dateline 06 - 06 - 25
Lobster manager Chris Wainwright is back to being being beleaguered as the Lobsters crashed out 4 - 1 losers at home to the Wizards. In desperation Wainwright is checking whether League rules prevent teams playing French wizards but we fear that this is a rather desperate throw of the dice. For the record, in the triples, Perkins, Cornwall and Mundy lost 13 - 6 while Humphreys, Quirke and Ellens did slightly better, losing out 13 - 7. In the pairs, Cornwall and Humphrys lost 13 - 4, Ellens and Wainwright lost 13 - 5 while Perkins and Quirke provided the only joy of the evening by winning 13 - 6.
Wainwright Names Squad Takes "Additional" Measures - Dateline 03 - 06 - 25
Not so beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright has named another seven player squad for this Thursday's league home game against the Wizards; Cornwall, Ellens, Harris, Humphreys, Mundy, Perkins and Quirke.
Still elated from the recent Lobster win he was probably misquoted when he said, "I'm hoping that this seven player approach continues to be a winning formula but to add a bit of extra "oooomph", I have made a purchase from a secretive, esoteric shop specialising in arcane ritualistic practices and swiftly got stuck in."
Mondry-Flesch Reports - Dateline 03 - 06 - 25
Editor's comment: Apologies for the late copy from our sports correspondent Les Mondry-Flesch but although his report arrived on time the fact that it was written on the back of a beer mat resulted in no one noticing it until this morning.
Lobsters finally recorded our first win in the New Forest League, defeating Muscliff Magic 3-2.
For the first time we won both triples. Pat and Ruth, in particular, were on fire.
Things started well, with Pat, Harry and Alec storming into an early lead and never, really, looking
back, winning 13-4.The other triples was a tight affair, with the lead often changing hands, but Graham, Ruth and Sue edged it 13-8.In the doubles, Alec and Pat lost 6-13, Magic taking an early lead. Despite a fightback, we could not bridge the gap.Graham and Harry also lost, but in a much tighter game which ended 13-8 to the Magic.Heroes of the evening were Ruth and Ron. While Magic took an early lead, we had a magnificent run and took the deciding game 13-8.A memorable evening all round..We are at home to Wizards in the Plate next Thursday. They'd better watch out.
Lobsters 21 Today Get Key to the Score - Dateline 30 - 05 - 25
The Lobsters played their 21st game at home, in front of a record home crowd of four against an impressively attired Magic team and finally won! Yes you read it here first - they won.
Quirke, Ellens and Martel won their triples 13 - 4 while Cornwall, Mundy and Perkins won theirs 13 - 11.
In the pairs Quirke and Martel lost 6 - 13, Ellens and Perkins lost 8 - 13 but Cornwall and Humphreys won 13 - 8 thereby giving the Lobsters their first ever win in the New Forest League.
Asked for his thoughts, beleagured Lobster Manager Wainwright said "I'm over the moon. It's the triples what done it but Ruth and Ron what won it !"
A supporter offered the opinion that at last Wainwright had played a tactical blinder by playing a seven person squad thereby allowing him to rest Humphreys in the Triples and then rest Mundy in the Pairs.
Through out the game our very own sport correspondent Mondry-Flesch kept rushing to the Six Bells to dictate his copy to the bar maid. We hope to print it soon.
Post match, most players, supporters and Bugle staff celebrated the win in the aforesaid Six Bells where the editor's offer to pay half of the cost of a bottle of bubbly was rejected by bar staff when he presented a bus pass as a means of payment - oh the shame of it!
Lobsters on a Plate (surely in the; editor) - Dateline 29 - 05 - 25
Having been dumped out of the New Forest League Cup competition, beleagured Lobster's manager Chris Wainwright has been advised that his crusty crustaceans will now be playing in the Plate. First round will be against the Harriers at home on 26th June 2025.
Scorcher Torture Round Up - Dateline 27 - 05 - 25
Editorial comment: Apologies for the late copy but once again the Bugle editorial staff have been appearing in court, defending themselves against another obscure early Victorian charge of "Deporting oneself on a holy day in a manner designed to inflame one or more of the humors of the opposite sex be it by means of dress (or lack of) promenade or speach". Five guinea fine.
Budgett Makes Harrison Pay the Price. Despite putting up a valiant attempt Mike Harrison's efforts were not enough to overcome Marion who came out the 13 - 7 winner.
Holland Fells Fraser. Yet another 13 - 7 victory for the ladies as Anthea overwhelmed Peter to go through to the last eight.
Perkins Pips Wight. After a close battle, Graham came out on top by beating John 13 - 11.
From Champ to Chump. Current Scorcher Torture champion Alec Martel threw away a 7 to 2 lead allowing Ron Humphreys to come out a 13 to 11 winner.
The quarter final draw can be seen on the competitions page.
Harris the Dream Dasher - Dateline 12 - 05 - 25
Les Mondry-Flesch's dreams of doubling double barrelled surnames in the last eight of the Scorcher Torture competition turned into a nightmare as Bev Harris stormed to a 13 - 9 victory thus securing her place in the quarters where she will play against Hilary Tanser in June.
Thompson Falls to Alexander-Brown - Dateline 11 - 05 - 25
Margaret Alexander-Brown secured her place in the Scorcher Torture quarter finals by defeating Liz Thompson 13 - 9. In June she will be playing the winner of the John White v Graham Perkins clash which is scheduled to be played in the next few days.
Lobsters Slide Slope to Defeat #20 - Dateline 08 - 05 - 25
Beleagured Lobster manager Chris Wainwright's woes continued as the team maintained their unending run of losses going down 4 to 1 at the Harrier's terrain. The notorious sloping surface proved the Lobsters downfall as as soon as (editor's comment 3 "as" in 4 words ? does that make sense ?) the Harriers gained control of the jack, they placed it in positions too slippery for the away team to master. In the triples Quirke, Ellens and Martel lost 13 - 6 while Harris, Mundy and Perkins lost by a more respectable 13 - 10. In the pairs Ellens and Perkins lost 13 - 5, Mundy and Harris also lost 13 - 5 but miracle of miracles Quirke and Martel won their match in a last boule thriller 13 - 10. There was a notable absence of away supporters and who can blame them.
Perkins Joins Last 16 - Dateline 07 - 05 - 25
The delayed preliminary round match between Ruth Cornwall and Graham Perkins resulted in a 13 - 7 win for the latter who now comes up against John White in the last sixteen.
Tanser Dominates - Dateline 04 - 05 - 2025
A ruthless Hilary Tanser continued her domination of male opponents in the Scorcher Torture competition as she destroyed Harry Ellens 13 - 5 thus securing her place in the June quarter finals.
Double Dutch In Scorcher Torture Last 16 - Dateline 30 - 04 - 25
With Anthea Holland beating Sue Mundy 13 - 12 in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture, we now have a double dutch interest in the last 16 - Anthea by name and Les by antecedents. Who would have thought eh?
Has Wainwright Seduced Lady Luck ? - Dateline 28 - 04 - 25
There is a rumour circulating around the club that beleaguered Lobster team manager Chris Wainwright has somehow managed to seduce (editor's comment: isn't this now known as groom?) Lady Luck and the besotted woman is now showering him with favours. First she enabled him to beat Pat Quirke in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture and now suddenly with club stalwart Glynis Ellens leaving LPC he gets propelled straight into the quarter finals. If true, then let's hope that he doesn't hog all the luck for himself and directs some of it at the Lobsters.
Smiles for Wainwright - Dateline 27 - 04 - 25
Beleaguered Lobsters team manager Chris Wainwright at last had something to smile about as he managed to beat Pat Quirke 13 - 11 in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture competition. He will now play Glynis Ellens in the last sixteen.
Signs of Improvement - Dateline 27 - 04 - 25
Editorial comment. Our very own sport correspondent, L M-F, reports from the terrain or maybe the Six Bells, we will never know.
The Lobsters gave a good account of themselves in this New Forest League Cup match last Thursday evening. Though the score was 4-1, it in no way reflects the ebb and flow of a match that Lobsters, on another evening, might have won 3-2, scoring 50 points, their best ever haul in a match.
In the triples, Hilary Thompson, Graham and Allan fell 8-13, Monarchs taking an early lead, though Lobsters kept in touch right up to the end.
And Pat, Harry Ellens and Alec looked down and out but pulled it back only to be denied 9-13 when, at 9-11, the match could have gone either way.
In the doubles, Graham and Harry were involved in a tight game which we led early on and didn't relinquish, winning 13-8.
Pat and Alec were also involved in a tight match which swung to and fro but they fell agonisingly short 11-13
Hilary and Allan were also involved in a close one, which Monarchs led early on. Though Lobster hung in, we couldn't quite catch them and lost 9-13.
An enjoyable evening against pleasant opponents. If Lobsters continue on this upward trajectory, we might surprise a few, including ourselves!, this season.
Monarchs Fail to Break Lobster Record Run - Dateline 24 - 04 - 25
The Lobsters extended their record breaking run to 19 defeats in a row after coming out 4 - 1 losers to the Monarchs in the second cup game of the season. Beleaguered team manager Chris Wainwright said, "Earlier this month we lost to the Monarchs at home by 33 points but this time by only 10. We must try harder." A full report will be appearing shortly.
Double Barrelled Blaster ! - Dateline 24 - 04 - 25
By a quirke (nothing to do with Pat) of fate, two members with double barrelled names were drawn to play each other in the preliminary round of the Scorcher Torture. Les Mondry-Flesch, with his Dutch ancestry, proved to be the Holland and Holland of the two, as he blasted his way through to the next round with a 13 - 3 win over John Alexander-Brown.
Edge Edged Out - Dateline 23-04-25
A confident Hilary Tanser goes through to the last sixteen of this year's Scorcher Torture after beating Martin 13 to 4.
Death Knell for Bell RakeWell ? - Dateline 16 - 04 - 25
Local inventor John Bell, fears that Trump's tarrifs will scupper his fledgling company that was planning to start mass manufacture of the Bell RakeWell mrk1.
After successful testing of the contraption on the Lymington Petanque Club terrain, John was confident that it would prove a winner in America and had already secured some tentative enquiries from Walmart before the tarrifs were announced.
"I fear that these tarrifs will make my product too expensive for the American market." said a crestfallen John. "To cut my production costs I am trying to source my materials out of skips and fly tipping sites but I fear that even that won't help."
Humphreys Rings End for Bell - Dateline 14 - 04 - 25
John Bell's progress in the Scorcher Torture competition never got started as an in form Ron Humphreys,
still bristling at last week's Lobster loss to the Monarchs, ran out a 13 to 8 winner in the preliminary round.
Stop Press - Dateline 13 - 04 - 25
First Scorcher Torture of 2025 result: Kathleen Hales (5) v Margaret Alexander-Brown (13)
New Captain but Same Old Tears - Dateline 13 -04 - 25
Editorial comment. Apologies for the late copy but unfortunately the Bugle editorial staff have been in court defending themselves against an obscure and archaic Victorian charge of "Entering an emporium for the purpose of leering and/or lusting at and/or inappropriately touching and/or caressing a manikin be it male, female or androgynous, dressed or undressed in pursuit of self gratification." On the fourth day, our barrister past the judge a note (£50) and to our relief the matter was laughed out of court.
L M-F Bugle Sport Correspondent reports.
The Lobsters, captained by Ron Humphreys in Chris Wainwrights abscence, suffered a case of deja vu against Muscliff Monarchs last Thursday evening, losing 1-4 in their opening New Forest Petanque League match.
The highlight of the evening was Harry Ellens and Peter Fraser winning a tight doubles match 13-10.
Otherwise, the evening had got of to a disastrous start, both doubles matches being lost by Peter, Graham and John Skerry 2-13 and Pat, Ron and Harry 3-13. In both games, Monarchs took and early lead and simply marched off into the distance.
The mountain became insurmountable when Pat and Ron lost their doubles 2-13. Again, Monarchs took an early lead and disappeared into the distance.
Graham and John fared better. While Monarchs took an early lead, they were kept within striking distance but Lobsters couldn't quite keep up.
But hats off to Harry (as Del Shannon almost sang!) and Peter.
Lobsters play Monarchs again next week, this time in the Cup. Let's hope we've learned a few lessons by then.
Trump Tariffs Trouble Lobsters - Dateline 04 - 04 - 2025
The morning news about the Trump imposed tariffs played heavily on the minds of the Lobster squad (Ellens H, Humphreys R, Mundy S, Perkins G, Quirke P and Wainwright C) picked to play the first NFPL match of the season to such an extent that they crashed out with a five nil loss in the first round of the cup at Southampton. One of our Lobster players confided to the Bugle in a post match interview, "After Trump announced his tariffs in the morning, I was horrified to see that my shares in the Stockport Rubber Ball Company were plummeting on the FTSE250. I must admit that I spent most of the match worrying if they would ever bounce back and that badly impacted my game."
Next week the Lobsters play their first league match against the Monarchs at home. We can but hope that by then the tariff shocks will have somewhat subsided.
Allo Allo - Dateline 21-03-25
This year's Summer Social will take place on July 15th with a French theme. Now would be a good time to start practicing your " You stupid woman's, Oooooh Rene's, Ooooooh Yvette's, I was pissing post the piste's, What are you doing with that painted strumpet in your arms?" You get the picture.
Sock of Selection has Spoken - Dateline 21-03-25
Following assurances by the competition organiser that the Sock of Selection had been thoroughly washed and had had a good rinse in Comfort (and not some cheepo Saturday market rubbish) Judith Mondry-Flesch agreed to plunge her hand into its dark and mysterious interior to make the draw for Scorcher Torture 2025. This was conducted in front of the club committee on the 18th March. The result of said draw can be found in the competitions section.
A Big Fat NON for Wainwright - Dateline 11 - 03 - 25
Lobsters Captain/Manager, Chris Wainwright, has already suffered his first setback even before the NFPL season has begun. His attempt to recruit some seasoned French petanque players on a free transfer has been (like last season's results) an abject failure. Both Hugo "L'assassin" Segal of the Conquerants de Calais and Gaston "Trois Tartes" Gagnier of Les Maraudeurs de Marseille rejected his overtures with a resounding "Tu ris, n'est-ce pas" which we understand roughly translates to "You're having a laugh aren't you".
NFPL Announce League Match Draw - Dateline 11 - 03 - 25
The NFPL Division 2 League draw has been made and the club's calendar has been updated to reflect the Lobsters' match schedule. The entire Bugle staff wish the Lobsters the best of luck for the coming season.
Scorcher Torture 2025 Announced - Dateline 28 - 02 - 2025
The LPC organiser of this year's Scorcher Torture, has announced that entries for this members only competition are now being accepted up until 16th March. Members who anticipate being away for over a month between April and September should not apply.
Naff Goes to Webmaster - Dateline 26 - 02 - 2025
Yesterday's final of the Chiller Thriller competition, played before a crowd running into double figures, between club sec Bev Harris and a workshy fop of a webmaster Alec Martel, resulted in a 13 - 10 win for the latter. Presentation of the Norman Naff Memorial trophy and medicinal prizes was made by last year's winner, Pat Quirke, who was heard to comment, "Thank heavens someone else has got that ghastly trophy".
Lobsters Cup and Plate Fixtures - Dateline 15 - 02 - 2025
The NFPL draw has been made for the first round of the Cup/Plate competition. The Lobsters have been drawn to play Southampton away on the 3rd of April and Monarchs at home on the 24th of April. They played and lost to the Monarchs in last season's league but the Saints are a new kettle of fish.
Bugle Makes A Sad Announcement - Dateline 15 - 02 - 2025
It is with a heavy heart that we have to advise that because of Chancellor Reeves's recent announcements of increases to both the minimum wage and national insurance contributions, we have had to make some redundancies to help ends meet. As a result both the Wise Woman of Walhampton and Woodini, with immediate effect, will no longer be employed by us. On hearing the news a sanguine Woodini stated, "This is as I predicted on the 5th July 2015." Moving forward, we still hope to engage with both of them on a freelance basis.
Summer Club Playing Times - Dateline 21 - 01 - 2025
Members were polled at the Christmas lunch as to their preferred solution for resolving the problem of too many players turning up for a game on Tuesdays in summer time. The solution voted for was the two sessions option. Thus from the beginning of club summer time games, which this year start on 1st April, the following rules come into play..
The first session will run from 2.00 pm till 3.00 pm the FIRST 24 players to arrive will play. Anyone arriving after this time will have to wait till the second session starts which will be 3.30 pm till whenever. Of course you can opt to play at 3.30 anyway. The half hour gap between the two sessions is to allow a bit of socialising. There is nothing to stop someone who has played during the first session to also play in the second session to make up numbers if so required.
Sec Through to Final - Dateline 21 - 01 - 24
Despite a valiant defence, Hilary Thompson failed to hold off Beverley Harris who powered herself to a 13 - 8 victory before a crowd of two. She now meets the webmaster in the February final of the Chiller Thriller for the Norman Naff Memorial Trophy. There is no truth in the rumour that it is being renamed the Committee Trophy.
Wise Woman of Walhampton
Eunice Spice - she gives good advice - Dateline 17 - 01 - 25
This week Mrs.TK of Lyndhurst sent me a photograph of her nasty lump and asked for advice on the best way of getting rid of it. Well I can suggest a couple of possible solutions to her problem.
1. Go foraging for mushrooms, taking a somewhat cavalier attitude to all safety advice. Top tip; the red ones look really pretty. Bake the mushrooms into a pie, serve up and await results (do not eat the pie yourself)
2. Broaden your horizons by taking up a new challenge e.g. motor servicing.
You can practice on the family car. Start on some simple maintenance task. I would recommend adjusting the brakes. Trust your woman's instincts and don't waste money buying a Haynes Manual.
P.S. Don't get into the car if it is going to be driven (especially down hill)
Woodini Predicts - Dateline - 15 - 01 - 25
Greetings my Petanque Playing Pals! Apologies for the delay in publishing my first predictions for 2025 in this august journal but as I first predicted in May last year, I went down with a bought of influenza on new year's day. Happily thanks to Lemsip and some Night Nurse (especially the latter) I am now fully recovered. I gaze into my crystal ball, the veil lifts and I predict :-
1. The following number sequence 2, 14, 27, 28, 29, 49 will not win the national lottery jackpot this month.
2. This year, Southampton FC will not win the Premier League title.
That's all for now till February.
Ward Floored - Dateline 11 - 01 - 2025
Alec Martel, the current Scorcher Torture champ, made his bid for double bubble glory by defeating Simon Ward in the Chiller Thriller semi-final 13 - 3.
Naff Semi-finals Loom - Dateline 01 - 01 - 2025
This month will see the semi-finals of the Chiller Thriller competition as the last four (Hilary Thompson v Beverley Harris and Simon Ward v Alec Martel) battle it out for the honour of going through to the final and the chance of getting their hands on the much coveted Norman Naff Memorial Trophy.
Bugle Retains Title - Dateline 01 - 01 - 2025
We are proud to announce that despite very strong competition from The Wiggleford and District Allotment Herald with their salacious Forbidden Fruit of the Month page and scandalous Behind Closed Shed Doors column, your Bugle has once again won the Scurrilous Rag of the Year award.
Bugle Hires Top Columnists - Dateline 01 - 01 - 2025
Two new columnists join the Bugle this month. Woodini : Mystic and Seer whose predictions have never been known to be wrong. He is currently busy buffing his crystal balls (surely boules - ed) and will be making his first prognostications for the year later this month. He is joined by Eunice Spice the Wise Woman of Walhampton who is happy to give sage advice on your horticultural, medical, personal, sexual, sporting or what have you problems. She is currently putting a new ribbon into her Remmington